slices of life, vol. 10

Here are some funnies from the last few weeks:

Commenting on the sunrise one morning -

Gideon: Mommy, have you seen the colors? Dere's orange, yellow, pink, and blue.

Me: I know. God is quite the artist.

Jonah (chiming in): He sure is. You know why?
(Points at himself)
Cause He made this guy.

________________________

Jonah: Dad, did you fart?
Matt: No.
Jonah: Ok, I must be smelling my fart then.

________________________

From Matt:

Patrice called me on my way home from work to ask me how close I was (5 minutes out), and tell me she left her purse at school and needed to get it. She was going to leave Jonah home alone since I was so close.
I passed her in the driveway, so he was in the house for about thirty seconds by himself. When I went inside Jonah proclaimed, "Dad, I was the only human here! It felt good to be king of the house with Deac as my sidekick!"

_________________________

From Matt:

Jonah was having a tough time today following directions, being respectful, and was not using his brain at all.

For example, he threw up (not because he was sick, but because he took too big of a bite and gagged) and then immediately blew his breath in my face.

Patrice: Every decision you are making is horrific.
Jonah: Can you change that "H" to a "T?"

My kid has his moments, but most of the time he is "torrific."

_________________________

From Matt:

Two of this weekend’s many disagreements:

Jonah: I’m done.
Giddy: Jonah, play with me!
Jonah: No! No hitting, no weapons, no playing dead. (brief pause) Actually, yeah, just play dead.

Giddy: You’re a dork!
Jonah: No, you’re a dork!
Giddy: Gideon’s not a dork, and Dad’s not a dork, and Mom’s not a dork, because none of them are Jonah.

_________________________

From Matt:

Scene: Giddy spills yogurt on carpet and Patrice discovers it a few minutes later.

Patrice: Gideon, did you spill yogurt on the carpet?

Giddy: No.

Patrice: Then what is this all over the carpet?

Giddy: (Looking at yogurt) Dust.

_________________________

From Matt:

Giddy seems to be getting really excited about praying lately.

Monday:
Dear God,
Fank you for dis day. Fank you dat giwaffe not eat me. Fank you dat hippopotamus not eat me...(this continued for about two minutes of thanking God for a host of carnivorous and non-carnivorous animals not eating him).
In Jesus Name, Amen.

Tonight:
Dear God,
Fank you for dis day. Fank you for Darf Bader. Fank you for my family.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

The force is strong with this one.

__________________________

From Grandaddy (Matt's Dad):

It was time for the afternoon sword fight in the front yard. Giddy had a foam sword in each hand. I had an identical sword. Jonah came outside, after getting a drink of water, and said he needed a sword. Gid just looked at him, with a sword in each hand. So I gave Jonah my sword. I told Gid I couldn't fight because I did not have a sword. Using perfect 4 year old logic he told me, "Well doofus, you are the one that gave your sword to Jonah."

slices of life, vol. 9

After singing “Only a Boy Named David” to Jonah at bedtime, Jonah and I were discussing the story of David and Goliath.

Me: What was the Giant’s name?
Jonah: Goliath.

Me: What was the little boy’s name?
Jonah: David. But Mommy, David killed Goliath. And Goliath need to go to the hospital.

Me: Oh he did?
Jonah: Yeah, he need to see the doctor.

Matt was reading the creation story to Jonah from his Jesus Storybook Bible. When it got to the part where it says that Adam and Eve realized they were naked, Jonah said, “Does Adam have a penis? Why Eve not have a penis?”

(One night at bedtime.)

Jonah: Why David kill Goliath?

Matt: Because Goliath was very bad.

Jonah: Goliath have to go to hospital?

Matt: No, he was already dead. It was too late.

Jonah: Why Goliath so big?

Matt: Because he was a giant.

Jonah: Did he have a giant penis?

Matt: (laughing uncontrollably)

Jonah: Did he have a giant potty?

I need go potty, Mommy! Hurry, Mommy! Hurry! My butt crack startin' to go poopy in my underwear.

Jonah: What’s Grampa’s (talking about his Great Grampa) whole name?

Matt: Gerald Alan Williams

Jonah: What’s Grandaddy’s whole name?
Matt: Gerald Alan Williams Jr.

Me: They call Grampa “Big Gerry.” And they call Grandaddy “Little Gerry.”

Jonah: Who’s the Medium Gerry?

We were watching Jurassic Park, and it was the part where the dinosaur ate the guy sitting on the toilet.

Jonah: That dinosaur just ate the potty while he was trying to go pee pee!!!

A few weeks ago Jonah poured out all of his bubbles on the deck on purpose. I got on to him and told him he had made a bad choice. Matt’s Aunt Melanie came a week or so later and was trying to blow bubbles with the bubble remnants left in the bottle. She was having to tilt it a lot to get the bubbles out. She tipped it too far one time and spilled bubbles all over her foot and shoe.

Jonah: Aunt Melanie, you made a BAD CHOICE!

Typical Jonah, when G wakes up from bedtime or nap. He goes in, puts his hand through the crib rails and rubs his head.

"Hey G. I woked you up. It's okay. I'm right here. Daddy's at work, but he'll be back later. It's a break day! We don't have to do new wraps today. Are you okay? Don't cry. Did you lost your sock? Mommy fixing you a bottle. She be right back."

During prayers one Sunday night.
Matt: Dear God, thank you for this day.
Jonah: Dear God, thank you for this day.
Matt: Thank you that we got to go to church.
Jonah: Thank you that we got to go to church.
Matt: And learn about Jesus.
Jonah: Hey! We learned about John the Baptist! 

Doing Jonah's memory verse one night.
Me: Never stop praying.
Jonah: Never stop praying.
Me: First Thessalonians 5:17
Jonah: First (incoherent word) 5:17
Me: Jonah, can you say Thess-a-lonians?
Jonah: I just like to call it bolognians.

Jonah, before dressing change last night: "I don't like new wraps. It's too boobooly."

Jonah, upon waking up with bed-head.
"I'm trying to stay my crazy hair, but it's not paying attention to me."

One day Baby G was fussing because he was tired but wouldn’t give it up.

Jonah: What's wrong with Babe?
Matt’s Mom: I think he's tired but doesn't want to go to sleep.
Jonah: Let's take a closer look. Maybe hugs will help.

slices of life, vol. 8

Jonah: I want to snuggle.

Matt: Do you want to snuggle Deac?
Jonah: (very matter of fact) No, I not want to snuggle animals. I want to snuggle peoples.

(Upon taking Jonah’s leg wraps off before bath.)

Me: Oh, look, Jonah! Your legs look really good. No boo boos!

Jonah: Yeah, Mom! Just like in Bible story.

Me: What Bible story?

Jonah: Like no boo boos up in Heaven.

(Matt had to take my van into the shop one day, so I was driving our Escape.)

Jonah: It’s a mix up day!

Me: Yep, we had to switch cars today.

Jonah: You driving Daddy’s car?

Me: Yep.

Jonah: Mommy driving Daddy’s car. Mommy, you not a Daddy!!!

Matt: What's your full name?

Jonah: Jonah I-like-stander (Alexander) Lilliams

One night we were reading the story of Moses and the Burning Bush to Jonah from the Jesus Storybook Bible.

Matt: Look, Jonah! That bush is on fire! It’s burning!

Jonah: We need to go get a hose! Put fire out!

We got some new microdry foamy bath mats for the master bathroom. Upon entering our bathroom the next morning…

Jonah: (GASP) What is that?

Me: That’s our new bath mat.

Jonah: (Stepping on it, feigning disgust) It’s too squashy.

Jonah was watching me while I was putting on my makeup.

Jonah: What’s that?
Me: That’s mascara.

Jonah: What’s your scara?

When Jonah talks about the aliens (we call them Martians) on the Toy Story movies, he calls them “Charmains”, pronounced just like the toilet paper. Took us a while to figure out what he was talking about.

Jonah was playing with his remote control car and accidentally hit Deac with it.

Me: Jonah, tell Deac you’re sorry.

Jonah: I’m sorry, Deac. (In high pitched voice) Ruff! That’s okay.

Jonah: Mommy, how you say “I sorry” in Spanish.

Me: Lo siento.

Jonah: Lo seento.

Me: Jonah, you can ask me how to say anything in Spanish and I can probably tell you.

Jonah: How you say “poo poo” in Spanish?
Me: Boo boo?

Jonah: No, (enunciating) POOOOOP.

Jonah had helped me make brownies the night before. The next day –

Me: Jonah, you want a bite of my brownie?

Jonah: No. I just makes them. I don’t eat them.

Me: You just makes them?

Jonah: Yeah. I don’t eat them. I don’t like them already.

Me: Jonah, God loves us so much, who did He send down to Earth?
Jonah: Granny and Grandaddy???!!!

Me: No, not Granny and Grandaddy. He sent His Son. Who is God’s son?
Jonah: JESUS!!!

Me: Right! And where was Jesus born?

Jonah: In a school?
Me: No, not in a school. He wasn’t born in a hospital or a house or a school. He was born where the animals stay. Where is that?
Jonah: (with certainty) THE ZOO!!!

(Stalling bedtime.)
Jonah: Mommy, I have a NEW great idea!

Me: You do? What is it?
Jonah: How ‘bout hugging and kissing?

You know you have a medical needs child when he calls his balls his gauze.

Jonah is very into what people’s names are. What’s Daddy’s name? What’s Mommy’s name? What’s Nana’s name? Etc .

Every night we end Jonah’s prayers with “In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

Jonah: What Jesus’ name?

Me: Um, Jesus Christ.

Jonah: Noooo. Jesus’ name Amen.

Me: Jonah, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Jonah: I want to drive a crane.

Me: Oh yeah. You’re going to drive a crane and help build things? What are you going to build? Hospitals? Schools?
Jonah: No. I gonna build Heaven.

slices of life, vol. 7

Me: Jonah, what is the opposite of up?
Jonah: Down!

Me: (mouth agape because I had no idea he knew what opposites even were) What is the opposite of big?
Jonah: Little!

Me: What is the opposite of short?
Jonah: PANTS!

When I went over to push Jonah’s food syringe during breakfast, he gave my head a huge hug.

Jonah: You’re a Sweet Darlin’, Mommy.

Matt and Jonah discussing the coming of the Easter Bunny.

Jonah: Easter bunny coming?
Matt: Yep. We’ll have to see what he brings you.

Jonah: Wanna see the Easter Bunny’s car!

Matt: I think he drives a convertible.

(Jonah almost cried Easter morning, after running past his basket, straight to the front door, only to realize he had missed seeing the Easter Bunny’s car.)

When we went to the outlets to do a little shopping, Matt let Jonah ride a Snoopy ride several times. Then, he told Jonah they couldn’t ride anymore because they had run out of money. Two days later:

Jonah: Daddy at work?
Me: Yes, Daddy’s at work today.

Jonah: Why?

Me: Daddy has to go to work so he can make money.

(Later, when Matt got home.)
Jonah: Hey Daddy, you home from work?
Matt: Yep, I’m home.

Jonah: Why go to work?
Matt: I have to go to work to make money.

Jonah: Ride Snoopy ride now?

Me: Hey Buddy, we need to go run some errands.
Jonah: Yeah, Jonah run too! In my running shoes.

Me: Hey Jonah, I’m going to hop in the shower real quick.

Jonah:  (jumping up and down) Hop? Like a bunny.

Jonah woke up with two new, little blisters side by side on his pinkie finger.

Jonah: LOOK! It’s a blister! LOOK! It’s another blister! They best friends.

While watching Handy Manny at lunch:

Jonah: I want to be construction worker when I grow up. I wanna be a repair man.

Me: Oh, you want to fix things when they break?

Jonah: No, I wanna work mighty machines.

Seeing a bird out the window, perched on a fence:

Jonah: Look at that bird! He’s a good boy! (Pause) That bird have a penis?

My favorite Jonah-mispronounced word right now:

Dandelions = Dandalance (rhymes with ambulance)

slices of life, vol. 6

Jonah: Get ready? Gonna go bye bye? In Mommy’s car?
Me: No, Buddy. We're about to take a nap. We’ll go bye bye when we go to church tonight.
Jonah: Oh. Gotcha.


Jonah was whining and kind of growl/yelling at me because he didn’t want to be in his chair at the table.

Me: Jonah you better stop that right now or you’re going to get in big trouble.

Jonah: (with still raised voice) Little trouble!

Me: No Sir. BIG trouble.

Jonah: (fake crying) I waaaaant liiiiitle trouble.

Deac was barking a lot, so Jonah wanted him to go outside.

Jonah: Deac outside!

Me: Okay, I’ll put Deac outside. Come on Deac.

Jonah: (looking at the back door). Gotta open it. Say “Abre.” Abre!

(During new wraps)

Jonah: Play train table?

Me: After new wraps, you want to play with your train table?
Jonah: Sure, Honey!

When we went to The Special Children’s School with Jonah for our tour, he was getting restless as we sat in a tiny office, talking with a couple of the administrators and the school nurse. Not to be mean, but just kind of out of boredom, Jonah slapped me on the face. I grabbed his arm, and said, “No Sir! You do NOT hit Mommy on the face!”  Jonah paused a second, got a mischievous look on his face and said, “High Five, Mommy! On the face?” Well played, Sir. Well played.


WHILE I WAS IN TEXAS (via Daddy):


Jonah: Where's Mommy? (for the 500th time)
Matt: She's in Texas.
Jonah: That's a bummer.


Jonah got sick while I was gone and threw up A LOT, especially on Saturday, Saturday night, and Sunday. Matt and he had to run to the pharmacy to get some medicine.
Lady at pharmacy (to Jonah): Hey, sweetie. What are you doing?
Jonah: I throwin' up.


WHILE I WAS IN TEXAS (via Granny):

Jonah was in his crib for nap when Granny heard him over the monitor, saying, "Granny, Granny, Granny". She went to check on him. She found Jonah with one leg thrown over the side rail of the crib. When he saw her, he said, "Granny, I'm climbing over gate". Jonah is now in a big boy bed.

Granny and Jonah were watching the episode of Backyardigans where they turn a house into a banana.
Jonah: What happened?
Granny: They turned a house into a banana. That is so silly.
Jonah: No, Granny. That is ri-dic-uh-lus.

Jonah: I want to hug Mommy.

Granny: Mommy is in Texas.
Jonah: Why?
Granny: She is helping take care of Anton so his Mommy can do a good job with new wraps.
Jonah: But Granny, I want the next Mommy hug.
Granny: Jonah can save all his hugs to give to Mommy tomorrow.
Jonah: Good idea, Granny.

Granny was lying down with Jonah trying to get him to take a nap.

Jonah:Need to get up, Granny.
Granny: Why do you need to get up?
Jonah: Need to go?
Granny: Where do you need to go?
Jonah: I go to hospital. Call am-u-lance.
Granny: Why do you need to go to the hospital? Are you having a problem?
Jonah: Yes Granny. Have problem. Call am-u-lance.
Granny: What is your problem?
Jonah: I can't go to sleep
Granny: Do you have Ican'tgotosleepitis?
Jonah: That's right Granny. Call am-u-lance.


Jonah: What doing Granny?
Granny: I'm fixing your medicine for your breathing treatment.
Jonah: But I don't want a breathing treatment,I wanna play.
Granny: You have to a have a breathing treatment to help you feel better.
Jonah: I need to play.
Granny: Jonah, come over here so we can do your breathing treatment then you can play.
(Jonah lies on floor fake crying)
Jonah: I need Make-me-don't-cry medicine.

slices of life, vol. 5

Several months ago I put some crackers out on the ottoman for Jonah. When I wasn't looking, Deac put his front paws up on the ottoman and started eating them. I said, “No Deac. Gross!” Jonah started yelling at Deac, going “Deac. Gwoss!” “Gwoss Deac.” I cleaned up the dog eaten crackers and put new crackers out for Jonah. I turned away and when I turned back Jonah was knocking them off one by one while Deac ate them off the floor. As Jonah fed them to Deac he was saying, “18, 15, 20, Good job!”

Matt was singing and Jonah said, “No, Daddy. No sing!” I got on to him for being rude to Daddy and explained that he could sing if he wanted to. Then I made Jonah apologize. Ever since, when Matt or I sing and he doesn’t want us to, he just starts saying, over and over again, “I sorry, Mommy/Daddy. I sorry. I sorry.”

I was unintentionally ignoring Jonah the other day, thinking about something else. Becoming increasingly frustrated, Jonah says, “Mom! Mom! Mom! Bitrice!”

Jonah: Hey Mom. How you?
Me: I’m great, Jonah. How are you?

Jonah: GRAPES!

Nativity Updates:

12/2 We just read the Christmas story from Luke 2 out of Jonah's "Jesus Storybook Bible." We then got out his Little People nativity set and tried to act out the story. First he tried to put "Baby J" up on top of the stable where the angel goes, sang Rock a Bye Baby to him, and one of the wise men and then angel Gabriel himself broke out into an adorable rendition of "Itsy Bitsy Spider." Also, Gabriel makes a growling sort of airplane sound when he flies. Just FYI.

12/3 The Nativity Scene lasted less than 24 hours. Man down! (Well, actually it's woman down. The Virgin Mary is MIA.)

12/8 We found the Virgin Mary today!!! (cues Hallelujah chorus)

12/11 Joseph made out with a Wise Man and Mary, who he thinks has a towel on her head, has gone to "dry hair."

12/15 After picking up the donkey and kissing him on the nose 10-12 times, Jonah exclaims, "I KISS A DONKEY!"

Jonah, playing basketball on his little hoop, “I dunkening!”

Background: When Jonah has bad boos boos and open wounds, I always tell him I'll put a patch (an extra bandage layer with Polysporin and Desitin on it) and it will make it feel better.

Aunt Sarah brought her rather large dog, Charlie, for a visit over Christmas break. We gated him and Deac in my bedroom and Charlie started whining.

Jonah: Chahlie crying. Don’t woowy, Chahlie. I give you a patch.

Jonah, petting a very sleepy Charlie: Good night, Chahlie! Sleep types.

When eating Christmas dinner with my mom and sisters, Jonah was practicing coughing into his arm. He finally did it right and we all clapped. Jonah looks up, smiles, and says, “Thank you errybody.”

slices of life, vol. 4

Because I want to remember these days...

Jonah adds an extra "en" in the progressive tense when he uses it. Examples: "Mommy cookening?" or "Car honkening!" etc. The other day he had a particularly bad bloody nose. We were having a hard time getting him to cooperate in tilting his head/pinching the bridge etc. When we were almost done, he said, in a sad crying voice, "All done boogerning!"

We went to the fair yesterday. When we were doing bath and bandages and Jonah would start being uncooperative, we would say, "It's okay, Buddy. We gotta hurry and get all clean so we can go to the fair." So this morning, as soon as I put him on the dressing change table and sat him up to take off his wet towels, he said to his Grandaddy and me, "Let's go, Guys. (Jumbled, incoherent words) go to fair!"

Any time Jonah feels an emotion that makes him whiny (fussy, grumpy, tired, mad, frustrated etc), he says, "I cared!" (I'm scared.)

Any time ANYONE coughs or sneezes around Jonah, he says, "Okay, Mommy?" or "Okay, Aunt Kim?" and so on.

Jonah wants to be just like his Daddy. If Matt is sitting in the floor playing with him, he usually gets a pillow to go behind his back up against the coffee table. Then, Jonah immediately goes and gets a pillow to put behind himself too. Matt wears a Wake Forest hat most all the time. Jonah insists on wearing Daddy's other hat (a Braves hat). Up until today, both have been Daddy's hats and Jonah would say he was wearing "Daddy hat." Today, all of a sudden, Jonah made it very clear that the Braves hat now belongs to him. He said, "Take it hat" when we were about to leave for Community Dinner, and Matt said, "You wanna wear Daddy's hat?" Jonah put his hand on Matt's head/hat and said, "Daddy hat." Then patted his own head with the Braves hat, and said "Jonah hat." Well then.

Jonah is trying to learn how to do a knock-knock joke.
Jonah: Knock Knock.
Other Person: Who's there?
Jonah: Jonah Lillams (Williams)

But it applies to other people too.
Jonah: Knock Knock
Other Person: Who's there?
Jonah: Granny Lillams/Kim Lillams etc.

Apparently Lillams is always the punchline.

slices of life, vol. 3

When Matt and Granny were hanging with Jonah while I was at Bible study, Jonah said, "Ready, Set, BAD!" and then started jumping on the couch.


When Granny was visiting and Jonah wanted to her to put him to bed:
Granny: Are we going to read a book?
Jonah: Book.
Granny: Are we going to sing a song?
Jonah: Song.
Granny: Are we going to say your prayers?
Jonah: Truck.


Jonah and I were watching "Super Why" and they asked how to spell the word "pass."
SW: What letter makes the "puh, puh, puh" sound?
Jonah: "P". "Pop." "Puppy."
SW: What letter makes the "aaa" sound in "pass"?
Me: Jonah, that's the letter A. "aaaaaaa"
Jonah: "aaaaa". "Hat."
SW: What letter makes the "ssss" sound?
Jonah: "S". "Snake."


My dad was here a few weeks ago working on our fence. There was lots of hammering and tool usage. Now, any time Jonah sees a hammer or hears hammering, he says, "Hammah! Pop. Hammah hammah. Pop."


Jonah often calls Grandaddy (Matt's dad) "Granny Daddy."


While freaking out when getting his blood drawn, mid-draw, in an effort to get Jonah settled down:
Me: Jonah, did you tell Nurse Brian you went to Tweetsie?
Jonah: (Immediately stopped crying, looked at Brian) Tweetsie.
Me: And what did the train say at Tweetsie?
Jonah: (between sobs) whooooo - whoooooo


At Target, Jonah wanted to play with my pen I was using to cross out things on my list.
Me: No, Buddy. You can't have my pen. That's Mommy's.
Jonah: (whining) J-O-N... J-O-N-A-H
Me: (sheepishly gives Jonah pen)


When playing with my new hair dryer box, Jonah kept saying "droiry," "droiry," "droiry." That's how he asked for it too and it actually took Matt a while to figure out what he wanted. So after five to ten minutes of playing with it and continuing to refer to it as a "droiry," Jonah looked straight at Matt and said, as clear as could be,  "All done hair dryer."


I have the tendency to not swing the Swagger Wagon wide enough to avoid right side curbs when driving. This happened twice in a parking lot in SC when we were visiting Matt's folks. Both times, Jonah responded with a (slightly over eager) "BONK!" to make me feel better.


Jonah mispronounces many words, but by far, one of his cutest is "dunk truck" for "dump truck." 

jonah's sounds

My friend Jenn took his with her phone during dressing change this morning.

slices of life, vol. 2

One day, several weeks ago, while Matt's mom was watching Jonah, he was sitting in the floor, proudly pulled off his sock, and said, "TA-DA!"


The other day I harshly scolded Jonah. He was clinging to my legs, whining, pushing me away from the stove while I was trying to cook etc. I said, "NO SIR! What do you say when you want Mommy to pick you up?" He looked at me primping, confused, and said, "Moooooo." (You know, as in "what does the ____ say?")


When you tell Jonah to say his name, he says, "Nonah." Trying to teach him the "J" sound, I said, "J, J, J Jonah." Jonah's response: "J, J, J Gwanny."


Jonah's pump alarmed this morning around 6:15. It woke him up. Matt went up there to unhook him. Jonah was sitting up and saying, "All done Night Night. All done Night Night." Matt ignored him, unhooked his pump, and walked out. I got him out of bed at 8 am. I win.


Yesterday Jonah was looking out the window and a bus passed by. I heard him say, "Bye Bus. I luh you, bus."


When you ask Jonah what the giraffe says, he pops his lips like he's eating leaves. 

videos...

... demonstrating some of the things I mentioned in the below post.


He screams when he gets excited. What can I say?



My favorite. (And also, my accent seems way more southern when I'm using my baby voice. I swear it.)



Walking like a champ. Take That, all you other Walkers! (You may be better but you ain't cuter.)