we are loved

Jonah fell last week on the sidewalk at school and caught himself with his hands. It was bad and he took all the skin off his palms. He fell because he was skipping because he was happy. He is all healed up now, but for four days, he could barely use his hands, and for seven, they were bandaged.

After a couple of "good" days, he woke up this morning with a corneal abrasion unable to open his eyes. We spent the whole day in the dark and will probably spend the next two days like that as well.

So needless to say, it has been a rough couple of weeks in terms of his EB and the pain he has been in. BUT this is my Facebook status tonight and it goes for you guys who faithfully read this blog too... even though I only post once a month... :)

Although I HATE EB and all it has done to my Jonah the last two weeks especially, I am overwhelmed (and sporadically in tears) over how incredibly loved we are. To know you guys are praying for him, thinking about him, asking how you can help... it's so good. His Kindergarten teacher, Ms. Pabon came over this afternoon, after teaching 11 other kids all morning, to visit with him and bring him audio books (and a casette player because ours is in storage), Grandaddy brought us milkshakes and told him approximately 107 stories, his other Kindergarten teacher, Ms. Boone called tonight and let him chat her ear off for 20 minutes to break his monotony, and Mimi Marykay came tonight with a stack of books to read to him (by flashlight because we had to be in the dark) and spent a long time entertaining both boys. So as much as I hate EB, I think about how much we might be missing out on if we weren't forced to slow down and let ourselves be loved. It's an important thing. To ask for help, to let people into your life, to be real with each other. To be vulnerable. I'm thankful for the hundreds (thousands?) who love and pray for us. And I'm thankful to know it. Fully.

big moments

Look who graduated pre-school. Most mommies may cry because time is passing too quickly and they can't believe their babies are ready for Kindergarten. I cried because I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE he's here at all. We have come so far, Friends. I'm just so thankful. Between Jogging for Jonah and pre-school graduation, I am just overwhelmed with God's goodness and what He's done in Jonah's life. I will never stop giving Him all the glory.

And if you want to see what made me CRY MY EYES OUT at Jogging for Jonah... completely caught me off guard, how emotional it was. God is good.

our video testimony

I meant to post this last week. This is a video testimony that Matt and I did that went along with our written testimony for our church's 40 day study. The theme was God's Story My Story, and it was an amazing 40 days. I'm sad to see it end.

Here is the video and below you can find the link to the written testimony. Each day there was a story from the Bible paralleled with a testimony from someone from our congregation. Ours was one of many, many amazing stories of God's constant presence, faithfulness, and redemption. Feel free to CLICK HERE to see and read the rest. You'll be blessed.

I can't wait to someday soon share the rest of our story up till now, including our Sweet G. Life is good.

God's Story; My Story: Day 33 - Matt and Patrice Williams from Pinedale Christian Church on Vimeo.

Here is the link to the written part.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/churchplantmedia-cms/pinedale_christian_church/adult-2014-day-33.pdf

FIVE!

This kid turned FIVE today...

...and I have been tearing up about it all day long.

Not the "Oh no, my baby's growing up" tears, but the "I cannot believe what God has done" tears. I spent a few minutes on the blog today reading some posts and many, many reader/prayer warrior comments from late Feb and March of 2009. And I am just IN AWE of how God got us through that terrifying time.

How did we stay so positive? How did everything turn out like it did? How did we not crumple up in fear and despair? How did he make it out without infection? How did we come home in 32 days when they told us it would be a minimum of two months, if he made it home at all? How is he five when there was a 90% chance he would die in his first year of life?

The answer is GOD. And prayer. And that is all.

He is so good and so faithful and so mighty. And the truth is, He would be all of those things even if Jonah had died. But he didn't. And I'm so grateful. So very very grateful.

Here is Jonah this morning, when we woke him up.

He just melts my heart in a puddle on the floor.

And here we are at the mall tonight, riding the train as part of his "birthday fun" night.

We've come a mighty long way, Friends. I stand amazed.

Posts from February of 2009.

http://patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com/2009/02

Posts from March of 2009.

http://patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com/2009/03

good news!

We just found out this morning that in court this morning, they terminated rights of the unknown father in G's case. Meaning that he is now 100% officially legally free for adoption!!!

This is huge news and long awaited for, and we can now FINALLY begin the adoption process. It will take several months, but G is well on his way to becoming an official Williams. (And I'm so sorry that I still can't show his face until that happens!)

On April 22nd, 2008, when my heart was shattered into a million pieces when I gave birth to our sweet, stillborn Gabriel, I never ever could have imagined that God would put so much goodness and hope into our future. That this would be the picture of our future family.

Y'all, my cup runs over! We are so blessed and praising God for all He's done for us, for G, for our present, and for our future. We could not ask for more.

jonah on halloween

Our sweet Jonah. Five Halloweens and counting. And to think we thought we'd never get one. God is so good.

Happy Halloween!

jonah wisdom

Just now as I was taking Jonah to the potty, he and I had this conversation.

Jonah: Where did that blister come from?
Me: I think you've been scratching there. You really like to scratch.
Jonah: (defensively) No I don't! It just itches!
Me: I know, Buddy. I know it itches so much. I wish I could take your itchies away.
Jonah: Only my Father can do that.
Me: I know. And we'll keep praying every day that He takes your boo boos away. But if He doesn't heal you here, where will you be healed?
Jonah: In Heaven. But if I'm healed here, what will that be like?
Me: No more itchies. No more blisters. No more bandage changes.
Jonah: And my skin would be perfect just like other people's?

And then I cried.

Y'all, most moments of most days, EB doesn't sink my heart and make me tear up like I used to. As Jonah has gotten older and has been able to put words to his pain, discouragement and disappointment, and we've been able to support him with words and actions he can now understand, the day to day suffering has seemed less somehow.

But then there are days like today, where we went to Aldi and then to a produce store, and no fewer than three people at each place asked him or me if he had the chicken pox, got hurt, "got in a fight with a bear," or what happened to him. Today, for the first time, Jonah answered someone directly, by himself. He said, in a hushed voice, "It's a skin disorder." The words he's heard me say a million times. It wasn't with hurt or shame that he said it, but I know he knows he's different. Oh, that he grows to learn that "different" is not bad or negative - that people who are just "normal" miss out on some of the treasures and joys in life that we have discovered because of his EB. That he will know how much he is loved, how special he is to SO many people, and of the lives he has changed, purely because of his faith and fight.

I cried as I got him off the toilet and gave him a huge hug. "Jonah. You are beautiful and perfect. Do you know that? It doesn't matter that you get boo boos on your skin or that you wear bandages. You are so amazing and special, and you are the toughest guy I know. Do you know I think you're perfect?"

"Yes, Mom." And then he hugged me so tight, because in his head, I was the one who needed comforting, not him. That's just how he is. Another gift he has because of his struggles - a compassionate and tender heart for others. Fitting, I suppose - as his boo boos are visible on the outside, most of us carry our boo boos on the inside, where no one can see. And when I'm trying to fix my boo boos with practices and theories and plans, I'm thankful to remember, when I'm in need of true healing, "only my Father can do that." 

For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord... - Jeremiah 30:17

hold fast

Feeling tumultuous in my spirit this morning. So much going on. The events in Boston, a huge issue with the timing company for J4J, so much left to do for that and feeling overwhelmed, what would have been Gabe's 5th birthday coming up Monday but knowing I will be sitting in court all day Monday, hoping G's case will be called (for the fourth time), some fears about some future unknowns. 

And then I was reading in Romans 4, along with my Bible plan, this morning... "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed...without weakening in his faith... he did not waver through unbelief...but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised." 

In a world with so much stress, anxiety, and unknowns, we must pray daily to believe God has the power to do as He's promised. Hold fast, Friends.

breathless

Do y'all remember that I chose verses for Gabe and Jonah a long time ago? Well, about three or four months ago, I chose Joshua 1:9 for G and ordered his canvas from Red Letter Words.

That's just background for the story I'm about to share. :)

I can't share too much about G's case, which is why I don't post about it too much. But I will just say there are many ups and downs and somedays it feels like it will never end. We had a meeting last week, in which I was given some pretty discouraging news about how long things are going to take. I was upset and after the meeting, went out to the car, and called Matt crying. I just felt discouraged and most of all fearful for G's safety, good, and future. 

I felt gripped by uncertainty and fear, two things I know are not from God. 

After talking to Matt, my sister called. I cried to her and just told her how I was feeling. I vomited all of my frustration, anger, and sadness out on her and told her she picked a bad time to call. :) But seriously if you can't vomit your junk on your sister, who can you vomit on? Or something.

Anyway, Sarah's phone is messed up. It no longer blacks out when she puts it up to her ear to talk. So she is constantly pressing numbers, muting herself, or hanging up on me when we talk. But when she got off the phone with me, this is exactly how her screen looked, and she immediately sent me a screen shot.

There was G's verse. Her cheek had somehow opened her Bible app, gone to Joshua 1:9, and highlighted the verse. She had not been reading in Joshua. She hadn't even had her Bible app opened. She said she couldn't remember the last time she had opened that app.

And there it was. AND GOD EVEN HIGHLIGHTED THE VERSE, FOR GOODNESS SAKES.

I don't think anything else really needs to be said. Beyond a booming voice from the heavens, I couldn't have asked for a clearer sign. God is with us "every step (we) take." I'm so thankful. And full of His peace.

Isn't He so good?

praise

Jonah requested to hear this song first thing this morning. Sometimes you just gotta praise, ya know? I fought back tears the entire time and have been praising God all day.



Sometimes He's so close, you can feel Him right beside you. Takes my breath away.

baby update

I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've posted. I know it's awful of me to post such big, awesome, amazing news and then be silent for so long. I have to say, I'm tired. :)

No really, we are doing amazingly well, and Matt and I keep trying to figure out what else we're supposed to be doing. You mean you just have to feed them, bathe them, change them, love them, and get up with them at night? That's it? No meds? No force feeding? No blister popping, bandage changing or tube feeding? No NICU stay? We can wipe his butt with a regular old wet wipe? We can hold him by his ankles to change his diaper? He can wear normal clothes?

This is freakin' awesome.

God is so faithful, and I just can't get over how He's so miraculously, hugely, and amazingly blessed us with our G. Remember when I posted this? I had given up on newborn baby dreams. And it was okay. It really was.

But then God gave us an amazing gift, just out of the blue, and BAM, here we are.

And we are thankful. :)

Sorry, but these are the only photos I can post. (But don't worry, somday I'll post 4,586,297 photos.)

The other day. A cute little hairy head, just a snoozin'.

G and I preparing for our "7" book study.

Jonah is doing great, and loves his new brother. Everybody who comes to the house, even people who have met, held and loved G on numerous occasions already, is introduced to "my new baby brother." He is constantly saying "He is so cute" and "What's wrong with G?" if he's crying. Besides needing a few extra hugs and kisses, he's adapted quickly. Pretty amazing for a kid who only had 17 hours notice. :)

Thank you for continuing to walk this crazy road with us. It just keeps getting better.

blessed

These sweet little feet...

And this sweet little hand...

... have stolen my heart.

And I don't ever want it back.

We are so blessed. Somebody pinch me. I'm sure I'm dreaming.

Thank you, Lord.

BIG NEWS!

God is so good and big and faithful and amazing.

I just finished Beth Moore's Believing God study, and in one session she talks about us reaching our Gilgal. Gilgal means "circle" and was the name of the first place the Israelites camped when they came into the promised land. Beth talked about God bringing them full circle out of their Egyptian captivity and into their promised land.... saying that we all have a promised land, but unbelief is often the biggest obstacle keeping us from it.

Anyway, after we had to say no the boys' placement in our home (and felt clarity that it was a definite no), I was so sad, mad, and confused. Why Lord? Why would you let us get that call? Why would you let our family be chosen? Why would you let us love them in our hearts for a week, and then when finally meeting them, have us say no? Why, Lord?

That was on a Tuesday. On Thursday, I went to my girls' bible study, and we watched the last Believing God session, and it seemed (even to the other women in the room) that everything Beth said applied to me and my heartbreak.

Phrases like:
- Anything that waits, it's because God has something better for us.
- Wrestle a thing out. We run a race well, not by refusing to wrestle, but by keeping the faith during the fight.
- Continue to believe, even when God doesn't answer the way we expect.
- Faith always receives. (Eph 1:18-20)
- Faith soon sees. (1 Cor 13, 2 Tim 4:6)
- God is a can-do, able God, with an outstretched arm. He is powerful and he loves.
- IT HAS PURPOSE.

A week later, this past Thursday, Matt and I got a call about a newborn legal-risk placement that needed to be discharged to a foster family from the hospital. We brought him home on Friday. It is very likely that we will be able to adopt him and he'll be ours for forever, but it could take a year (or more?). We have a long road ahead, many fears to pray through and face, and a hard journey. There is still risk. But we step out on faith, and we are going to love Baby G with all our hearts. And trust God to do his thing.

I BELIEVE.

And oh, the purpose of our experience with the boys? The toddler boys' social worker is also the social worker for Baby G. After choosing us for the boys and it not working out, when she got the call about this baby, she immediately chose us to be his family. Had the whole situation and heartbreak of not being able to bring the toddler boys home never happened, this social worker would have never known we even existed.

FAITH SOON SEES.

I am in tears at the faithfulness and love of my God. He is so good, y'all. Even when we can't see. Even when we're in the dark and can't see the why or the purpose or the good in it all. Just keep believing him to be good, faithful, and BIG.

IT HAS PURPOSE.

deep thoughts

I've been having some thoughts again. I know. I know.


I have felt under attack the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure what it is or what exactly has happened. I'm craving the Word like never before, excited about what God shows me every day when I spend time with him, being changed by Beth Moore's "Believing God" study, desiring Godly, mature Christian women's guidance in my life...


But shwoo. I have been involved in more drama in the last few weeks than I have since middle school. Some of it my fault. Some of it not. And for the most part, my intentions have been good. And then somehow something gets said or something gets taken out of context or turned around, and all of a sudden, I'm feeling attacked or misjudged and act like a hot head, spouting off and making things not-at-all-Jesusy.


I'm not sure how it keeps happening.


Learning humility stinks. I guess that's a lesson no one can learn the easy way. Just the nature of humility I guess. Maybe the only way to learn it is to mess up, fall down, and seek Him to make it all better. Honestly, I'm just trying to love Jesus. That's all I want to do in the whole world.


I had the opportunity on Sunday night to speak at a friend's church's women's ministry get together. It was so amazing. God was so very present, and I could just feel the Holy Spirit filling the room. But wouldn't you know it, I was asked to speak several weeks ago and as soon as I said yes is when all these weird, dramatic situations started arising.


Satan did not want me to give that talk.


But you know what? The Holy Spirit so filled that room on Sunday night, there was no room for Satan there. I'm certain he was bound up somewhere outside those doors.


God is so good, y'all. I hope to be able to share what I talked about in the coming days. It won't be the same though. I wish you could have been there. Although I've had a couple of opportunities to speak before, I feel like this is the first time it was a bible study type situation - where I got to read verses and truly and openly tell all about how God has been so faithful to us and specifically how He has worked in our lives. In my previous speaking engagements, although I've talked generally about God, they have been settings where I have had to filter/limit/cut back on the God talk. I really got to give God his due Sunday night (as much as one humanly can, I guess) and I was so very thankful for the opportunity to share His goodness and faithfulness, in detail.


I encourage you to uphold God's word, be strong in your faith, don't ever back down from what you know to be Truth, but to be careful to do all things in love. And for goodness sakes, don't be a hot head like some people I know. Ahem.


I LOVED today's devotional from Proverbs 31. If any of this resonates with you, I would encourage you to read it.


These two scriptures spoke so clearly to my heart and once again, helped me refocus, regroup, and realize that I still have so much growing to do.

James 3:17

2 Corinthians 13:11

I hope this has encouraged you in some way. I know it's kind of random and out of the blue, but when something big is on my heart, it's hard for me to blog about little things. (Even though I'm long overdue to write about our April vacation, July 4th, and the summer activities we've been doing... they're coming, I promise.) 

I'm so glad that God's Word is still so very right, true, and applicable for today. I just don't know where I'd be without it. And for those of you who have done the Believing God study, say it with me!

1. God is who He says He is.

2. God can do what He says He can do.

3. I am who God says I am.

4. I can do all things through Christ.

5. His Word is alive and active in me.

I'M BELIEVING GOD!

thankful

HE said to me today:

"Patrice, you don't think you need any water while you are dying of thirst in the middle of the desert."



"Here I am. I AM. You are in me and I'm in you. Cling, Sweet Child, to the the Rock of your salvation. I am Creator, Savior, Friend. I am your Abba. Why don't you come and rest for a while?"

Suddenly I feel your heart in mine...

crazy town

This is one of my best good friends, Muffy.

She and Jesus came and picked me up at Crazy Town yesterday and brought me back home.

This is my favorite man in the whole world.

He daily has to walk with me through Crazy Town and still seems to love me a lot anyway.


They're both good like that. I love them (and Jesus, too).

better!

Sweet Jonah has done much better the last two days. He still had diarrhea yesterday, but did not throw up. This morning's poopy was not nearly as runny (sorry, y'all), and no pukes again! Tomorrow we'll be moving up to seven ounces a meal, hopefully! Thank you so much for the prayers. It was just lasting so long and was so sporadic, I was starting to get freaked out. Your comments were so comforting. The normal stuff is just so scary because I don't know if it's normal or EB related. (I mean, he eats his freakin' bandages... seriously???)


I've been feeling a little sorry for myself (and Jonah, of course) over the last couple of weeks. We've just not gotten out much and we can't go to the pool and he can't play outside. He's feeling the effects of being cooped up and has been really whiney the last couple of days. My patience has been low, and I feel like I've been snapping at him more the last couple of days. I think we're both just a little stir crazy so I'm going to try to get us out somewhere tomorrow and Friday, just because we are driving each other crazy. :) He's so good, though. And I really really shouldn't complain. I've really been convicted today about how much we, as Americans especially, complain SO MUCH about EVERYTHING (it's too hot, it's too cold, stop raining, oh we need rain so bad, I hate my job, I want to be a stay-at-home-mom, my kids are driving me nuts, I have to get out of this house, There's nothing to eat (really?), My air condition is broken... and on and on and on). It just made me sad to think about. You know that verse about always being ready to give a reason for the hope that you have (I Peter 3:15)? Well, ain't nobody gonna ask me about my hope if I don't have any. O-U-C-H. My life and my attitude should look different. I should be and feel like an alien in my air conditioned house, my mini-van, and with my full pantry. If we're just going through the motions, living like everyone else, and complaining with the rest of them, we're not being much of a light. And we're surely not living in the joy and hope that comes with a true life in Christ. Well, kick my butt and call me Sally. That. Just. Hurt.


Anyway, I'm thinking A LOT these days. That's not always a good thing.


Hey, wanna see some cute shots of Jonah? Alrighty then.

Whiney or not. Summer or not. Crazy Momma or not. I love this kid. I love my life, no matter what it looks like. I have lots and lots and lots of hope. Now, come on, ask me. Cause I've got a whole bunch of reasons. :)