a swift kick in the you-know-what

My friend, Muffy, just published this post. It is way too good not to share. I haven't even read the first chapter of Radical yet (we start this week), but God has already been kicking my butt in these same areas. Where are our priorities? Pretty gut wrenching stuff. Thanks, M, for always challenging me to seek Jesus more. I love you!


I will join with the millions tonight watching the Superbowl mainly because our dear friends invited us to watch it with them.  I am not a huge sports fan period, but the NFL particularly is not my favorite.  So, I have no idea what team to pull for and really don't care all that much!  But I do love a good party!  I'll be hollerin' "go, buffalo chicken dip!" Or "yay for chili!"  Who's playing anyway?

I never have quite understood the importance of professional sports.  When I think about too hard, my brain and my heart hurts.  I just don't get it.  Why do we pay these athletes so much money while we struggle to pay our educators?  Why?  Why are we more passionate about some dudes tossing around a pigskin than we are about making sure that people around the globe have a meal tonight?  Why?

Please don't think I excuse myself from these questions.  I am really wrestling with the Lord right now about our choices...  what our lifestyle looks like.  We don't live extravagantly.   Most months our budget is super tight, but we never miss a meal, and we always have a place to lay our heads.  We live comfortably.  But is that where the Lord wants us?

I just finished reading the book Radical by David Platt.  To say it was good would be inaccurate.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to more fully understand who Jesus is and what He commands us to do as His followers.  But, good?  Hmmm.  Good, I guess, if you like a punch in the gut.

Once my eyes have been opened to the filth that we, particularly, Americans, have made of our mission,  I want to throw up.  I mean, how is that it's ok with us that children around the world do not have safe drinking water? Why do I continue to purchase a $5/cup of coffee if I weren't somehow ok with this?  Or that I run to Target for just about anything while children are being trafficked around the globe.

I do know that I am just as guilty as anyone for creating idols, putting things or people in the place of God.  Oh, how I have failed.  We, as a nation, have failed: we are more passionate, give more press to and spend our money on a sport of tossing around a pigskin than we do making much of Jesus.

I do know I can no longer just turn a blind eye.  I have to do something.   I am asking God, "Lord, what is it that I've told I would never do for You?  How can I live differently to make Your Name great and that You get the glory?"

I am praying and seeking Jesus in a fresh way.  I am stripping Jesus of anything that I have made Him and looking at Him for who the Bible says He is.  Because, I either believe that Jesus is who He says He is or He's a lunatic.  If I say I believe, I need to be prepared to obey what  He commands me to do.

Oh dear.  This is going to be painful.

things are about to get radical

On January 31st, my Thirsty Ladies bible study group will start a new study. I LOVED "Satisfy My Thirsty Soul," and actually plan to read it again. It is that good and it's A LOT to take in. Apparently my brain and heart can only take so much conviction at a time. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more in that book that will slap me in the face the second go round. Back to the point. The hubbies are going to join us in our study this time, meeting every other Monday night, opposite of us. We did it this way so that we never have to worry about childcare. I hope to use those "off" Monday nights, after I get Jonah down, to do some personal study of my own or blog my thoughts and what God is showing me through our study. I'll have to wait and see how it goes. Anyway, the book we will be doing is called "Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream." I'm excited to read it but actually pretty of afraid of it, to tell you the truth.


Here's the trailer if you're interested (beware: CHALLENGING stuff):



God is doing some serious work in me. I am thinking and praying A LOT about how to be Jesus to those around me. It's hard, I think, knowing that I can't go to these poverty and hunger ravaged countries and jump in. The truth is, if my life were different, I would go in a heartbeat, taking Matt and Jonah with me, of course. But Jonah needs very time-involved care, a safe, clean place to live, and access to good medical care. And I know that there is plenty to be done here in the States. In many ways, I think Americans could use a lot more missionizing than the rest of the world. BUT, because I'm pretty limited on my out-of-the-house time and don't have qualified childcare help with Jonah, I can't go somewhere and volunteer during the week, I'm asking God to show me how to do what I can from where I am, right now. I don't mind donating money. But I don't want to JUST donate money. I want to sacrifice my time. My self. I have a couple things in mind, but I'm not going to share them quite yet.


I would love to hear any ideas of things you are trying to do or have done in the past to reach out to others, even when your availability or other resources might have been short. I know that I can't and won't excuse myself any longer. I'm ready to get radical, or you know, as radical as I can right now. :)

i bow my will... or at least i'm trying to

I've written some about the book my Ladies' Bible/Book Study Group is doing called Satisfy My Thirsty Soul by Linda Dillow. This book is amazing, and as I've said before, even though I'm usually not a fan of non-fiction, it has made me dig in the Bible and crave the Word more than I have in a very long time. 


The book discusses the meaning of true worship, its purpose, and how to take every aspect of your life - pain, times of waiting, attitude, work, words etc and turn them into worship. 


Monday night's chapter was "I Bow My Will." And I can't stop thinking about it. The first part of the chapter described how Jesus asked to be relieved of his cup (dying on the cross) three times. It was AGONY to bend his will to match God's. It's so hard for us too. The second part of the chapter retold the Abraham/Isaac story where Abraham follows God's command, bows his will and almost sacrifices his son for God.  "Abraham trusted God enough to bow. Even though Abraham did not understand what God was doing, he bowed his intellect. Even though Abraham loved Isaac with a deep father love, he bowed his affections. Even though Abraham wanted to scream, "No, God!" he bowed his will." Wow. I don't know what it was about this time, maybe just that I'm a mother, but that is a crazy emotional story for me now. The agony that both Abraham and Isaac experienced but turned to worship... Blows. My. Mind.


Anyway, the point of the chapter was this: What is your Isaac? What is the thing that you are holding on to? What is the thing or person you love the most that you would withhold from God? What do you hesitate to trust him with?


The answer for me? Jonah's Life. Hands down. When Gabe died, Matt's parents took care of the arrangements. We could either bury him in some kind of Baby Land area of the cemetery or we could buy two or four plots together. I wanted us to be together and so they purchased the four plots for us. We did not need the fourth, but three was not an option. THAT FOURTH GRAVE HAUNTS ME. I am so completely terrified of the possibility that I will outlive my second son. I told someone last week that if Jonah dies,  I feel like friends would have to stay by my side 24-7 on suicide watch. I feel like I would crumble to the ground. I don't know that I would survive it. My love for and dependence on him scares me. I can't describe its intensity. Maybe those of you who have lost a child or have a child with a possibly fatal condition can understand. (Or maybe it's the same for all moms? I really don't know.) I do know that I can't describe it to you, but trust me, it's probably not healthy. I don't want or need to love Jonah less. But I do need to trust God more, that no matter what happens, He has known it all along and can handle it. I could live (and be joyful) even if something did happen to Jonah. (Try telling my heart that.)


I'm going somewhere with this... I think. Stick with me.


Meredith, my sweet friend who hosts our group, created a little Isaac Altar at the front of her living room in front of the fire place. At the end of study, during our personal quiet/worship time, she encouraged us to write what our "Isaac" was on a piece of paper and to lay it down on the altar if/when we were ready. I went into the dining room away from the crowd. I knew this was going to be hard. Meredith played some quiet worship music and I read Psalm 84. Two verses spoke to me as I thought about sweet Jonah (and Gabe too.)


Psalm 84:4 - Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. 
Psalm 84:10 - Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.


Gabe dying is a victory.
Jonah dying would be a victory.


I'm not beating myself up for letting the thought of him dying take my breath away and make me feel like life wouldn't be worth living. That cup would be agony. I would ask that it be taken away. That would be expected, understood, and natural.


But what I have to learn is that I can't control the uncontrollable. Jonah is in God's hands, no matter what. 


So finally, I wrote down "Jonah's Life" in big letters on my piece of paper and bordered it in smaller letters with those two verses. I then walked back to the living room and knelt in front of the altar. We weren't really burning the pieces at that moment (we took them outside later) but the fire was burning behind the altar all symbolic-like. Meredith was right by the altar. I know she knew what I had written on that paper. (We have talked much about this very thing.) I was crying. She was crying. And at that moment, the gas logs died down and the fire almost completely went out. I looked at Meredith, smiled, and whispered, "I think that's a sign I don't have to burn mine." We both laughed through the tears. She put her forehead against mine and said, "I don't think it is," and don't you know, she cranked that fire right back up. 


She was crying

I was crying.


She was on her face praying.


I was on my knees resisting.


God was very present.


And finally, I let go of my slip of paper and handed my son's life back over to my Abba. To the One who loves Jonah even more than I do. To the One who understands what giving up a son's life is all about. To the One who really gets it. I let him have back what is His in the first place. 


And I'm trusting that, if I do outlive my second son, God's inexplicable peace and strength will pick me up and get me through it. I can't imagine, y'all. Losing Gabe was so hard. Losing Jonah would be a million times harder. I can't bear the thought. But my God is bigger than my fears. He's bigger than the uncertainty. He has written out Jonah's days and holds them all in His hands. 


So it's okay to let go. He's got this.