chapter one

Jonah's doing well. I'm still trying to figure out what's going on with me. I was fine all day and my back has felt MUCH better, only on ibuprofen, but from about 3:30 to 6:30, I was cold, achy and mostly on the couch feeling crappy. Then, all of a sudden, I was feeling better and having hot flashes. Now I feel fine. (I am NOT pregnant.) I have no idea. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for next Monday.
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I wanted to write a little tonight about the book I'm reading for my Monday night Bible study. We didn't meet tonight because several of the girls had to be out of town, but I wanted to write some of my thoughts down and reflect a little tonight. This may be not at all interesting to you, but I want to share in hopes that some of what I'm reading/sharing might speak to those of you who are dried up like I am.

I read the first two chapters of the book, Satisfy my Thirsty Soul, and then went back and reread chapter one and looked up most of the scripture references and read them in context. I have an NIV/Message parallel Bible and when I actually read it, I like it a lot.

Some quotes that really jumped out at me.
Talking about living a life of service instead of living a life of worship: Too often, my emphasis was on making him known rather than knowing Him.

Talking about John choosing an intimate relationship with Christ: Any of the disciples could have experienced this intimate relationship with Jesus, but only John CHOSE it. Intimacy is a choice. We either do the work required to keep the fire alive, or we don't.

At one point she says she prayed, "God, I want to intimately know you, wherever it takes me, whatever the cost." I find that an admirable (and very scary) thing to pray.

God wants to give us a joy that infinitely transcends all other joys combined in the power and potential to satisfy, thrill, fill, and fulfill us. I don't know about you, but I have major contentment issues. I need to stop looking at my circumstances or my relationship with Matt or my friends or my church to find contentment and joy. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in HIM.

Worship is not just a specific act. It is also a lifestyle. Worship is a specific act of bowing my knees and declaring, "Holy, Holy, Holy." Worship is also a lifestyle of bowing my life and living, "Holy, Holy, Holy." Con.vic.ting.

At the end of each chapter, there are some suggestions for personal worship time with God. I had a hard time getting started and made excuses for about a week. Satan used my back and feeling bad to make me focus on the physical rather than the Spiritual. I hate the control I let him have on my life. He regularly uses busyness, physical circumstances, guilt, and dissatisfaction as tools to keep me from having an intimate relationship with my Abba.

Today's suggestions were to listen to worship music (thank you, Pandora) and be still for 10 minutes, kneel and read Psalm 63:1-8 aloud and to declare the truths you find about God there. I also journaled my thoughts on what I read. Y'all, I was skeptical. I have never been so great at just being still. When I pray, I'm either thanking God for what He's done or asking Him to do something. Rarely ever do I just sit still, listen, and bask in WHO HE IS. I'll cheat and include a quote from Chapter 2 here (author quoting A.P. Gibbs): "In prayer we are occupied with our needs, in thanksgiving we are occupied with our blessings, but in worship we are totally occupied with God Himself." That makes so much sense but how do you JUST sit and think and feel God and proclaim who He is?

But during Jonah's nap time today, I went out on my deck. I made a Chris Tomlin station on my Pandora, I got down on my knees and read the Psalm (fairly certain my neighbors think I'm a nut... I'm okay with it), journaled and had quiet time. And I kid you not, God moved me to tears. I asked Him to speak to me. I begged Him to let me feel Him there with me, and He answered me so clearly. Every song that came on the station was exactly what I was reading and writing about at that exact moment. I kind of rewrote Psalm 63 to say exactly what I was feeling. And as soon as I wrote the words (my paraphrase of verse 2), "I long to praise You just for what You are...", the radio played "to be still and know that You're in this place, to stay and rest in Your Holiness. Word of God, speak." And it happened like that over and over again. And I praised and cried. And it was amazing. And I knew in that moment, that I could do this. This is what God longs for... for us to take the time and intentional effort to worship Him (more than just in church on Sunday mornings) so that He can make his very real, very alive, very right-here-beside-me presence known. What has taken me so long? Verse eight says, "My soul clings to you; Your right hand upholds me." My paraphrase was, "As I desperately scramble to hold on for dear life," (I'm not quite as confident as David. :) ) "You firmly grip me by the waist. Why am I flailing? You have me. You're not letting go."

Anyway, I'll end this novel now. I'm not sharing any of this to be all, "Look at me. I'm doing a Bible Study. I'm so holy." Please know that I'm just sharing what God is showing me, with often embarrassing honesty, just hoping that maybe it will speak to you too. I'm happy, if you're still reading this, that you indulge my need to share and write. It's part of the process. :) Thank you so much. I hope you give God the chance to surprise you. He's been waiting.

taking it all back

I have A LOT on my heart these days and a lot I want to write out, here on the blog, but it seems I don't have adequate uninterrupted time to get my thoughts together and find a good starting place, so I guess there's nothing left to do but just jump in. It's against my nerdy straight A character to not have a good intro paragraph or an outline, but I just can't get a hold on any of it enough to start... so I guess I just ask God to give me the words and move forward.

I feel guilty when you guys call me an inspiration. It makes me feel like I've unintentionally duped you or have been dishonest. It makes me feel like I shouldn't write anymore because I don't want to put on a false face or make you think I'm someone I'm not. I am a decent mother. I am an inadequate wife. I'm not writing this so you'll leave comments to reassure or affirm me. Seriously, that is the last thing I want. I just want to be real. I want to represent Jesus with my life, and when I don't, I need to confess.

There are days Matt comes through the door and I'm snarling at him... or days he comes home and I'm barely speaking. And I don't know why. He hasn't done anything. I'm just bitchy and ill. It drives me crazy not being able to pinpoint it and it drives him crazy not knowing what to expect when he walks through the door. He is so amazing, y'all. I could not ask for a better husband and father to my kids. He had never even changed a diaper before Jonah was born, but it has not slowed him down. He has jumped in, from the beginning, with both feet, helping in Jonah's care, being an equal partner. He doesn't have expectations of me. If he comes home and the house is a wreck, I'm in a bad mood, and there's no dinner, he takes Jonah from me, straightens up, and happily settles for a bologna sandwich. 

So why oh why am I so difficult?

I'm saying all of this so you'll know that I struggle. S-T-R-U-G-G-L-E with how to be a good mother AND wife. The truth is, Jonah will one day go home to be with Jesus or will live a long life, grow up, and move out, and as much as I love him and want to care for him, I made vows and promises to Matt long before Jonah came along. When Jonah's no longer here, I want to have more than a shell of a marriage. I want a rock solid foundation of love, trust, and genuinely wanting to put the needs of each other before our own. I want to treat and love him like Christ loves me. I want to let him lead and be ecstatic about following and submitting.

But man, Satan claws his way in and makes me an arrogant, selfish, pompous ass, and it sure is hard to overcome all of that.

Depressed yet?

Never fear. Aslan is on the move. God is working. I am getting my butt kicked, and I LOVE it. I am so desperately thirsty and dried up, I'm devouring our Bible study book (Satisfy my Thirsty Soul by Linda Dillow) and the Bible with excitement. I am not a non-fiction girl. I've never been able to read these type books (except Blue Like Jazz... which happens to be laugh-out-loud funny and amazing) with any real enthusiasm. But I can't get enough. And it makes me hunger for The Word like I never have before. 

I am PUMPED!

And I'll tell you this (this post is all over the place... but that's not what I wanted to tell you), I am so sick of the stereotype of marriage being this "trap" where the husband is a lazy, aloof, selfish idiot and the wife is a bitchy, nagging, emotional basket case. (Okay, maybe I've been that wife a little bit, but that's not the point.)

Marriage is a gift. Children are a gift. LIFE is a gift.

And I'm taking my gifts back, thankyouverymuch. I refuse to live a mediocre life. When did life become about longing to make it to Friday, complaining to anyone who will listen on your Facebook and Twitter pages, and only seeing the negative??? (Hello Kettle, I'm Pot.) Ugh. I hate it. I want the fullness and promise of what God offers... and it's not just the promise of Heaven and Eternal Life. I mean, sure, I'm excited about that, but WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

We have been given so much more than a life of mediocrity. Everything we have or don't have. Everything we've been given or have been denied. We can use that to praise God and enrich the life we have right now. Gabe died. That sucked. Jonah has EB. That sucks. Like 90% of parents who've lost a child and/or have a child with special needs get divorced. That scares the living you-know-what out of me.

But y'all. I have Jesus. The things that have happened in our lives have brought me to this place - this dried up, oh-so-thirsty, what am I going to do place. 

Praise God!

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I'm empowered. He dwells in me. His love is beyond my wildest dreams. He can do more than I ask or imagine. I can have fullness, contentment, and complete joy in this life, right now, in this very moment. (mouth agape)

I'm working for that, folks. Scratch that. I'm accepting that gift, folks. I'm asking my Abba to bind up Satan, take away his foothold, and I'm accepting my Father's unimaginable love and unending grace. 

I am his beautiful and perfect daughter, and I deserve more than mediocrity.

I'm taking my life back. Care to join me?

(to be continued...)

things are about to get radical

On January 31st, my Thirsty Ladies bible study group will start a new study. I LOVED "Satisfy My Thirsty Soul," and actually plan to read it again. It is that good and it's A LOT to take in. Apparently my brain and heart can only take so much conviction at a time. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more in that book that will slap me in the face the second go round. Back to the point. The hubbies are going to join us in our study this time, meeting every other Monday night, opposite of us. We did it this way so that we never have to worry about childcare. I hope to use those "off" Monday nights, after I get Jonah down, to do some personal study of my own or blog my thoughts and what God is showing me through our study. I'll have to wait and see how it goes. Anyway, the book we will be doing is called "Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream." I'm excited to read it but actually pretty of afraid of it, to tell you the truth.


Here's the trailer if you're interested (beware: CHALLENGING stuff):



God is doing some serious work in me. I am thinking and praying A LOT about how to be Jesus to those around me. It's hard, I think, knowing that I can't go to these poverty and hunger ravaged countries and jump in. The truth is, if my life were different, I would go in a heartbeat, taking Matt and Jonah with me, of course. But Jonah needs very time-involved care, a safe, clean place to live, and access to good medical care. And I know that there is plenty to be done here in the States. In many ways, I think Americans could use a lot more missionizing than the rest of the world. BUT, because I'm pretty limited on my out-of-the-house time and don't have qualified childcare help with Jonah, I can't go somewhere and volunteer during the week, I'm asking God to show me how to do what I can from where I am, right now. I don't mind donating money. But I don't want to JUST donate money. I want to sacrifice my time. My self. I have a couple things in mind, but I'm not going to share them quite yet.


I would love to hear any ideas of things you are trying to do or have done in the past to reach out to others, even when your availability or other resources might have been short. I know that I can't and won't excuse myself any longer. I'm ready to get radical, or you know, as radical as I can right now. :)

i bow my will... or at least i'm trying to

I've written some about the book my Ladies' Bible/Book Study Group is doing called Satisfy My Thirsty Soul by Linda Dillow. This book is amazing, and as I've said before, even though I'm usually not a fan of non-fiction, it has made me dig in the Bible and crave the Word more than I have in a very long time. 


The book discusses the meaning of true worship, its purpose, and how to take every aspect of your life - pain, times of waiting, attitude, work, words etc and turn them into worship. 


Monday night's chapter was "I Bow My Will." And I can't stop thinking about it. The first part of the chapter described how Jesus asked to be relieved of his cup (dying on the cross) three times. It was AGONY to bend his will to match God's. It's so hard for us too. The second part of the chapter retold the Abraham/Isaac story where Abraham follows God's command, bows his will and almost sacrifices his son for God.  "Abraham trusted God enough to bow. Even though Abraham did not understand what God was doing, he bowed his intellect. Even though Abraham loved Isaac with a deep father love, he bowed his affections. Even though Abraham wanted to scream, "No, God!" he bowed his will." Wow. I don't know what it was about this time, maybe just that I'm a mother, but that is a crazy emotional story for me now. The agony that both Abraham and Isaac experienced but turned to worship... Blows. My. Mind.


Anyway, the point of the chapter was this: What is your Isaac? What is the thing that you are holding on to? What is the thing or person you love the most that you would withhold from God? What do you hesitate to trust him with?


The answer for me? Jonah's Life. Hands down. When Gabe died, Matt's parents took care of the arrangements. We could either bury him in some kind of Baby Land area of the cemetery or we could buy two or four plots together. I wanted us to be together and so they purchased the four plots for us. We did not need the fourth, but three was not an option. THAT FOURTH GRAVE HAUNTS ME. I am so completely terrified of the possibility that I will outlive my second son. I told someone last week that if Jonah dies,  I feel like friends would have to stay by my side 24-7 on suicide watch. I feel like I would crumble to the ground. I don't know that I would survive it. My love for and dependence on him scares me. I can't describe its intensity. Maybe those of you who have lost a child or have a child with a possibly fatal condition can understand. (Or maybe it's the same for all moms? I really don't know.) I do know that I can't describe it to you, but trust me, it's probably not healthy. I don't want or need to love Jonah less. But I do need to trust God more, that no matter what happens, He has known it all along and can handle it. I could live (and be joyful) even if something did happen to Jonah. (Try telling my heart that.)


I'm going somewhere with this... I think. Stick with me.


Meredith, my sweet friend who hosts our group, created a little Isaac Altar at the front of her living room in front of the fire place. At the end of study, during our personal quiet/worship time, she encouraged us to write what our "Isaac" was on a piece of paper and to lay it down on the altar if/when we were ready. I went into the dining room away from the crowd. I knew this was going to be hard. Meredith played some quiet worship music and I read Psalm 84. Two verses spoke to me as I thought about sweet Jonah (and Gabe too.)


Psalm 84:4 - Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. 
Psalm 84:10 - Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.


Gabe dying is a victory.
Jonah dying would be a victory.


I'm not beating myself up for letting the thought of him dying take my breath away and make me feel like life wouldn't be worth living. That cup would be agony. I would ask that it be taken away. That would be expected, understood, and natural.


But what I have to learn is that I can't control the uncontrollable. Jonah is in God's hands, no matter what. 


So finally, I wrote down "Jonah's Life" in big letters on my piece of paper and bordered it in smaller letters with those two verses. I then walked back to the living room and knelt in front of the altar. We weren't really burning the pieces at that moment (we took them outside later) but the fire was burning behind the altar all symbolic-like. Meredith was right by the altar. I know she knew what I had written on that paper. (We have talked much about this very thing.) I was crying. She was crying. And at that moment, the gas logs died down and the fire almost completely went out. I looked at Meredith, smiled, and whispered, "I think that's a sign I don't have to burn mine." We both laughed through the tears. She put her forehead against mine and said, "I don't think it is," and don't you know, she cranked that fire right back up. 


She was crying

I was crying.


She was on her face praying.


I was on my knees resisting.


God was very present.


And finally, I let go of my slip of paper and handed my son's life back over to my Abba. To the One who loves Jonah even more than I do. To the One who understands what giving up a son's life is all about. To the One who really gets it. I let him have back what is His in the first place. 


And I'm trusting that, if I do outlive my second son, God's inexplicable peace and strength will pick me up and get me through it. I can't imagine, y'all. Losing Gabe was so hard. Losing Jonah would be a million times harder. I can't bear the thought. But my God is bigger than my fears. He's bigger than the uncertainty. He has written out Jonah's days and holds them all in His hands. 


So it's okay to let go. He's got this.

family update

Y'all keep emailing me to PLEASE give an update or PLEASE come back to the blog, and although I miss documenting our memories in this way and miss hearing from all of you, I feel like I have NOTHING exciting to say.

To be honest, I'm so far "behind," when I try to think of something to write about or where I need to go back to, it's to early 2012... so needless to say, I get overwhelmed and give up before I have even started. So nothing too exciting, but here's a quick family synopsis.

House - We were going to list our house to try to get a little more space and to get closer to our church area and friends. After crunching the numbers, it was just tighter financially than we wanted it to be, so here we stay. In the house we love (but sometimes feels a little small and far away from all our people).

Matt - Doing well. Being mellow. Not getting in a tizzy over anything. Solidly pushing forward. Still crazy about sports. I take back the tizzy thing. He does get in a tizzy (short-lived usually) about sporty things. LIKE OH MY GOODNESS CAN YOU BELIEVE IT TOOK THE BRAVES THAT LONG TO PUT HEYWARD HITTING LEAD OFF??? I SAID THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT A MONTH AGO!!! (And so on and so forth.)

Me - I'm doing pretty well. Just hanging out at home most days with our two boys, and enjoying mommy-hood (um... for the most part).  I'm really involved in Women's Ministry leadership at our church and am now teaching the book (or more facilitating discussion), Satisfy My Thirsty Soul, on Wednesday nights. I LOVE teaching and being part of a (non-high school aged... no offense...I'm just not cut out for that in a church setting) group of women, and feel God has given me my niche. I'm so thankful and blessed to be in a church that encourages each person to use their gifts and get involved. I'm also looking back over the last five years or so, and after some important talks with my closest people, feel like I need to do some serious work on being less anxious. So my new themes I'm asking God to help me with are peace, calmness, and simplification - which are not things that come naturally for me. Being still, having a quiet heart, a gentle spirit, being able to relax, and waiting for the Spirit's prompting (versus being impulsive, busy, jumping the gun) are unnatural for me, but necessary at this time in my life. It's all a journey. :)

Jonah is doing great. Still blistering, but still healing. Still having open wounds, but still resisting infection. Still eating almost entirely by g-tube, but getting the nutrition he desperately needs. And gaining a few pounds to boot! He is still tender hearted, good natured, and has compassion for others. BUT Y'ALL. You can say what you want to about two, and you can bash three, but FOUR? Four has not been my favorite. I love him dearly and he is still so sweet, but homeboy has forgotten how to listen the first time and likes, all of a sudden, to talk back. We (both he and I) are currently working on attitude adjustments. Shwoo. Learning that you yourself have an attitude problem and that your child has learned it from you? Humbling. But tomorrow is a new day (and we've both done pretty well today, as a matter of fact). And he really is the World's Best Brother.

G - I wish I could tell you a million things about him, but since he is still technically a foster child, alas, I cannot. I will tell you this. He is THE sweetest, most laid back, smiliest, cutest thing you've ever seen. I could just eat him up. He will soon be celebrating his first birthday, and I'm just blown away at how fast this year has gone. And the day everything is finalized, and we can post his sweet photos, you will want to stop following me on Instagram and Twitter, defriend me on Facebook, and take me off your blog feed because I AM GOING TO BLOW UP THE INTERNET WITH PHOTOS. I know that's why it's so hard for me to blog right now. In addition to just being tired, busy, and trying to re-prioritize some things, it's just so so hard to try to talk about and share our life, while leaving him out. He's such a big part of everything we do and everything we are, I don't know how to filter him out. Or could but it would make me sad to.

So overall, things are good. We've had some emotional things come up in the last week or go, but as in most things I've suffered, I feel more refined and closer to God having come through it. Even when it's hard, I'm thankful for His plan and His perspective, even when I can't see the whole picture. Because in the end, I know it's the better thing.

And on a different note, I read this blog post on marriage and true love today, and it just really hit home with me. Matt is amazing and if he can love me after the last 10 days or so, he can love me anytime. :)

Thanks for continuing to stay the course with us, even when I suck at blogging. I appreciate you!