taking it all back

I have A LOT on my heart these days and a lot I want to write out, here on the blog, but it seems I don't have adequate uninterrupted time to get my thoughts together and find a good starting place, so I guess there's nothing left to do but just jump in. It's against my nerdy straight A character to not have a good intro paragraph or an outline, but I just can't get a hold on any of it enough to start... so I guess I just ask God to give me the words and move forward.

I feel guilty when you guys call me an inspiration. It makes me feel like I've unintentionally duped you or have been dishonest. It makes me feel like I shouldn't write anymore because I don't want to put on a false face or make you think I'm someone I'm not. I am a decent mother. I am an inadequate wife. I'm not writing this so you'll leave comments to reassure or affirm me. Seriously, that is the last thing I want. I just want to be real. I want to represent Jesus with my life, and when I don't, I need to confess.

There are days Matt comes through the door and I'm snarling at him... or days he comes home and I'm barely speaking. And I don't know why. He hasn't done anything. I'm just bitchy and ill. It drives me crazy not being able to pinpoint it and it drives him crazy not knowing what to expect when he walks through the door. He is so amazing, y'all. I could not ask for a better husband and father to my kids. He had never even changed a diaper before Jonah was born, but it has not slowed him down. He has jumped in, from the beginning, with both feet, helping in Jonah's care, being an equal partner. He doesn't have expectations of me. If he comes home and the house is a wreck, I'm in a bad mood, and there's no dinner, he takes Jonah from me, straightens up, and happily settles for a bologna sandwich. 

So why oh why am I so difficult?

I'm saying all of this so you'll know that I struggle. S-T-R-U-G-G-L-E with how to be a good mother AND wife. The truth is, Jonah will one day go home to be with Jesus or will live a long life, grow up, and move out, and as much as I love him and want to care for him, I made vows and promises to Matt long before Jonah came along. When Jonah's no longer here, I want to have more than a shell of a marriage. I want a rock solid foundation of love, trust, and genuinely wanting to put the needs of each other before our own. I want to treat and love him like Christ loves me. I want to let him lead and be ecstatic about following and submitting.

But man, Satan claws his way in and makes me an arrogant, selfish, pompous ass, and it sure is hard to overcome all of that.

Depressed yet?

Never fear. Aslan is on the move. God is working. I am getting my butt kicked, and I LOVE it. I am so desperately thirsty and dried up, I'm devouring our Bible study book (Satisfy my Thirsty Soul by Linda Dillow) and the Bible with excitement. I am not a non-fiction girl. I've never been able to read these type books (except Blue Like Jazz... which happens to be laugh-out-loud funny and amazing) with any real enthusiasm. But I can't get enough. And it makes me hunger for The Word like I never have before. 

I am PUMPED!

And I'll tell you this (this post is all over the place... but that's not what I wanted to tell you), I am so sick of the stereotype of marriage being this "trap" where the husband is a lazy, aloof, selfish idiot and the wife is a bitchy, nagging, emotional basket case. (Okay, maybe I've been that wife a little bit, but that's not the point.)

Marriage is a gift. Children are a gift. LIFE is a gift.

And I'm taking my gifts back, thankyouverymuch. I refuse to live a mediocre life. When did life become about longing to make it to Friday, complaining to anyone who will listen on your Facebook and Twitter pages, and only seeing the negative??? (Hello Kettle, I'm Pot.) Ugh. I hate it. I want the fullness and promise of what God offers... and it's not just the promise of Heaven and Eternal Life. I mean, sure, I'm excited about that, but WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

We have been given so much more than a life of mediocrity. Everything we have or don't have. Everything we've been given or have been denied. We can use that to praise God and enrich the life we have right now. Gabe died. That sucked. Jonah has EB. That sucks. Like 90% of parents who've lost a child and/or have a child with special needs get divorced. That scares the living you-know-what out of me.

But y'all. I have Jesus. The things that have happened in our lives have brought me to this place - this dried up, oh-so-thirsty, what am I going to do place. 

Praise God!

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I'm empowered. He dwells in me. His love is beyond my wildest dreams. He can do more than I ask or imagine. I can have fullness, contentment, and complete joy in this life, right now, in this very moment. (mouth agape)

I'm working for that, folks. Scratch that. I'm accepting that gift, folks. I'm asking my Abba to bind up Satan, take away his foothold, and I'm accepting my Father's unimaginable love and unending grace. 

I am his beautiful and perfect daughter, and I deserve more than mediocrity.

I'm taking my life back. Care to join me?

(to be continued...)