a letter to nick jr.

Dear Nick Jr. (formerly known as Noggin but still really known as Noggin because I don't know of one single person who calls it Nick Jr because, let's face it, Noggin is just a cuter name, I'm just sayin'),

(inhales)

I am writing to inform you that very soon I will be putting in a call to Social Services to report the gross parental negligence I have observed by many of the residents of your Nickelodeon Neighborhood.

Let's take, for example, Max and Ruby. After 11 months of observation I have never, EVER seen their parents. As in I'm pretty sure they don't even exist. The children are constantly home alone, only being dropped in upon, every once in a while, by their grandmother. Max, obviously a child two or under seeing as how he can only speak one word at a time, is being cared for by his sister, Ruby, who can't possibly be more than six years old seeing as how she's an idiot. I do not feel this is a good environment for either child and thus will be reporting the Bunny Family to the proper authorities. I am glad that Ruby has her ever-true Bunny Scout Leader to guide her although I don't think the party-hosting skills she is being taught are going to prove very beneficial in the raising of her younger brother.

I am also very concerned about Dora the Abnormally Large Headed Exploradora. Although her parents, Sr. and Sra. Marquez, do appear every now and again, she is often seen out on her own, accompanied only by a whiny monkey. She has faced many a foe (a witch, a troll, a fox) with only her backpack to protect her. And I know she always uses her seatbelt "so she can be safe," but am I mistaken that Dora should still be in a car seat? I am fairly certain she does not meet the eight year / 80 pound requirement. Although I suppose this law may not apply when you are traveling to OUTER SPACE, you know, by yourself.

Lastly, I will be reporting ALL of the neglectful animal parents whose children have found themselves in such peril they've had to call on the Wonder Pets. I feel if you are relying on a guinea pig, a turtle, and a baby duck to rescue your children, you have reached a whole new level of inattention. I'm sorry but if you, as a goose, flew off and left your children to be led south by some classroom pets in a plastic boat, don't you think you should be reported? And don't even get me started on the ladybug's parents who let her play in the Venus Fly Trap or the Mama cow who barely reacted when her baby calf was rescued from a tree (that's right, a tree).

The parents of all the Backyardigans are still under observation, and at this point, there is no reason to suspect negligence on their part. So far, the children have stayed within the confines of their backyard, and at least one parent seems to be home during their playtime, offering a delightful yet nutritious snack at the end of their imaginary adventures.

Please be under advisement that the entire Nickelodeon Junior (if that's your real name) populace is being watched.

Yours Truly,
Patrice Williams

P.S. - And as far as DJ Lance is concerned, the whole Gabba Family is currently under investigation for recreational drug use. Second letter to follow.