I'm very tired tonight. Matt watched Jonah yesterday afternoon, and I got to sleep for two hours, and it was glorious. But then I couldn't go to sleep until 12:30 or after (I stopped looking at the clock because I was doing the "If I fall asleep right now, I'll get ____ hours of sleep." It was torturous.) Anyway, I've felt the repercussions of the Sunday Afternoon Nap today, but guess what? It was still worth it. I get the best sleep when I'm napping.
I started a 14 week course called GriefShare at church tonight. It's offered at a couple different churches in our area, but thankfully Pinedale is one of them. A friend and I are doing it together. Matt's keeping Jonah so I can go. I was telling him about it when I got home, and I think it's going to be really good for me. From the time I found out I was pregnant with Jonah, I feel like it's been all about him - worrying about the pregnancy, praying for him, and then after he was born - taking care of him, bandaging him, loving him. And don't get me wrong, I think that's the way it should have been, but when Matt is watching Jonah and I am at GriefShare, I feel like I get to stop, relax, and be sad; sad about everything, but mostly I get to be sad about Gabe. I get to cry and be angry and mourn him. And that is really, really good.
It's also extremely hard and very much a "ripping off the band aid" kind of thing. When we were going around telling our stories, I just told about what happened with Gabe and then about Jonah. I feel like I'm grieving many things - losing Gabe, the loss of "normal," the reality that I'll probably never be pregnant again, having a child that has to suffer. Anyway, I think I'm where I need to be. I think it will be hard, but completely worth it.
On a God Knows What He's Doing note, a lady in our group (of about 12 maybe) came up to me afterwards and said, "You have a blog don't you?" I told her yes, and she said she didn't realize who I was until after I told our story but that she's been reading the blog for a while. We hugged especially tight. It was so neat. Those folks are feeling like family already, and I've literally known them for about two hours.
It's all good. Sad, but good. And a lot tiring. You know how when you cry it just takes you to a new level of tired? Well, I'm there. And it's my night with Jonah, so I'm off to bed. Goodnight.
Monday, January 25, 2010
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22 comments:
God definitely knows what He's doing! That wasn't meant to be preachy or pious - what I mean is that He allowed Pinedale to host GriefShare and that He's already put people in there for you to bond with as you grieve. God's hand at work, no doubt!!
I'll pray for God to bless your time there and for you to have peace. Hope you rest well this evening!
Love,
Laura
I've had several friends go through grief share and it has been a huge help to them. Glad you get to do it.
That is neat that you have that church group to go to. I wish we had one here. I am not sure if you have seen my Infant Loss site, but I would love to release a Monarch for Gabe if you would like. Let me know if you do :)
www.tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com
Have you heard the song "Your Hands" by JJ Heller? It reminds me of you and your amazing faith.
I'm glad you are able to do this.
I can only imagine the pain and difficulty you have gone through. Grief is so important to work through. It will be tough, but oh so worth it. I went through Grief Share a couple of years after we lost our first child. I am proud of you Patrice.
I'll pray that the study will be healing for you. I'd love to hear more about it, if you feel so inclined to share as the weeks pass by.
My younger brother committed suicide 2.5 years ago, and I am quite aware that I've not truly allowed myself to grieve beyond the initial couple of months. I guess I'm kind of afraid of what will happen if I go there, but I know I need to deal with it at some point. I wish my church would offer a ministry like that--although I do dread that day.
I am sure this will help you. Everyone needs to grief the loss of a loved one and I think this is a great time for you to do it. You worry so much about Jonah and now you can start working on yourself. I am sending prayers your way!!
My family did Griefshare at our home church after my sister's passing. I live kinda far away so I didn't do it-I kinda wish I did, but I don't really like to cry and let go in front of people...somehow I feel weak in a way...But I'm so glad you found it, I know it will do you good-to get some of that off your shoulders.
Ahh, the ugly/tired cry that exhausts you. I know it well. And consistently need a good one of those about every few months :)
I am so happy you are taking some time for YOU! Not fun times, but hopefully helpful times for you. I know how tired you must be all the time, and yes, I do know the crying tired you speak of. Rest well! It all starts over tomorrow!
I am soooo glad you have this group available to you and that you are taking part. Hard work but worth it, I hope. God bless you, dear.
WendyBee
Patrice,
I got these lyrics from a friend and thought you could relate....
Marla
The Life That's Chosen Me (written by Karen Taylor-Good and Lisa Aschmann)
We had such expectations, we would soon be giving birth
To the next Chopin, the next Einstein, the greatest child on earth
And we'd be the perfect family, soon we'd have the perfect kid
We'd never have a challenge or a problem, God forbid
Oh but Life had different plans, so I need for you to understand
Don't desert me, don't ignore
I need friends now more than I ever did before
Show compassion but please don't pity me
I'm a parent just like you, it's true
But I have special needs
I need you to notice that my life's different from yours
I need you not to judge me, don't condemn and don't keep score
I'd love an extra pair of hands, or just a hug or two
I need you to acknowledge that I carry more than you
Got the world here on my back, so I just thought I would ask
Don't desert me, don't ignore
I need friends now more than I ever did before
What you take for granted comes so hard for me
I'm a parent just like you, it's true
But I have special needs
I need answers, I need help, it's so much work
And a miracle or two sure wouldn't hurt
Don't desert me, don't ignore
I need friends now more than I ever did before
It's not the life that I'd have chosen, but it's the life that's chosen me
I'm a parent just like you, it's true
But I have special needs
I need you to listen, I need you to care
I need your understanding, I need you just to be there
I need your friendship, maybe a hug or two
Oh God I need a miracle.........
Hard, but good indeed.
You're in my prayers,
Stephnie
I laughed so hard about your "if I fall asleep now I will get.." I always count the hours of sleep I will get and it ALWAYS keeps me up longer resulting in negative hours I could have had. It's such a vicious cycle! :)
I am glad that you are getting to join this group and you are receiving what you need. Great that Matt keeps Jonah but wish he could go with you. I know that the Lord will use this group and these people to help the healing that you need.
Your group sounds exactly where God wants you to be--look, he even has it at your church. Fabulous God that he is.
Cry and feel it, and grow with the others in the group as you all grieve as individuals and a collective group.
I'm really glad you found this.
Blessings, Mari
This group sounds like it will be very cathartic for you. I went through Divorce Care ... twice... and it really helped me so much. In fact, I am now a guest speaker as a "successful survivor". While you are at Grief Share I know you will be reaching out to help other people in their grief as well as purging some of your own. It really helps YOU to help others. Let the healing begin!
Love GriefShare. Best stuff out there that I've found for grief support.
Hey, Patrice. My husband and I are attending GriefShare through our church as well...we're on week three. I think it has been helpful to have a time, a place and people that are all devoted to processing our grief. Lot of layers to sort through...you know that all too well. Hoping that it brings you some much needed and deserved healing, Miss Patrice.
I am glad you are in a griefshare group. Praying that healing comes quickly for you. You have been through so much. Blessings.
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