the boys' verses

For Gabe:

For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. - Revelation 7:17

I chose this verse for Gabe, because the only way I make it through any day without him is imagining him in Heaven, before the throne of God. This verse helps me picture him there, but also gives me hope that when I finally arrive, all this pain and sadness will be over. And he'll wipe every tear away from my eyes... and Gabe and I will finally hang out together beside those living water streams with our Shepherd.

For Jonah

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; You are mine. - Isaiah 43:1

I LOVE this verse for Jonah. His life is going to be so challenging, and I always want him to know and rest in the fact that God KNOWS him. Regardless of his physical pain and struggle, ultimately God has saved him. Jonah is HIS. My prayer for Jonah is that he can get through anything, knowing that the Father knows him by name. Fear not, Jonah. You belong to Jesus.

And another reason I love this verse - Matt sings this song to Jonah often, and I'm usually fighting back tears the whole time. Something about watching a father sing this song to his son gives it so much more power. Now that I'm a parent, these verses are so much more meaningful. I feel like, as much as I humanly can, I understand that kind of love. I feel it myself and see it in Matt's eyes for Jonah every day. It's a beautiful thing.

(I don't think you'll be able to hear this unless you have external speakers.)

guess who...

... is the featured baby this month at Baby Be Blessed Dolls?

This guy!

Doesn't he just look ecstatic? :)

Seriously though, I'm sure you've seen these adorable dolls on other sites, and they are great! They are custom-made, and you get to pick out a verse to have stitched on the tummy.

You can see some examples here.

They are being so gracious to not only make a doll for Jonah, but one for Gabe too! I'm so excited. But I need your help. I'm having a hard time picking out a verse for each of them (so many good ones!). I have a couple ideas, but I'm afraid I'll miss out on the "perfect" verse for each one.

So if you have a great verse in mind for either (or both) doll(s), could you leave it in the comments? And any I don't use, I'd love to compile to pray over Jonah - words of faith, hope, and healing - I can't think of anything better.

Thanks!

me and gabe

This is an up-close shot of the painting some of you asked about that hangs above Jonah's crib. This photo doesn't do the painting justice, but it's the best I could do.

It's actually a painting of this picture my friend Lauren took when I was 33 weeks pregnant with Gabe. It was taken at the old church at Tanglewood (for you local folk).

A friend I grew up with, Amy, did the painting. She is super-talented, and soon after Gabe died, contacted me and let me know she wanted to do a painting for me. I sent her to my Shutterfly posting of all the pictures Lauren took, and she chose this one. And I'm so glad she did! I LOVE both the photo and the painting. Don't I have such wonderful friends?

This is the one we had on a stand at Gabe's funeral, and it now hangs in Jonah's room as well.

And since the last couple posts have been about God working in my life, let me just say that these photos that Lauren took were not just a gift from Lauren, but a gift from God. You see, I was so laid back during my first pregnancy, I hardly took any pictures of the pregnant me. And then Lauren came during her Spring Break (March of 08... about four weeks before Gabe died), and INSISTED that we go take some pictures (which were actually the subject matter of my very first post). I was happy to oblige, but it most certainly was not my idea. I do not think I am a very photogenic person (believe me, I am very selective of the photos I post here), so it's hardly ever my idea to do a photo shoot of me.

But I truly think God laid that on Lauren's heart. What if I didn't have these beautiful photos? They're one of only a few memories I have of sweet Gabe.

I am so thankful to Amy and Lauren (and God, of course) to have these beautiful reminders that will hold me until I get to see sweet baby Gabe again.

new mercies

So... what do you say after a day like today?

I guess I say I'm sorry. Not so sorry for standing up for our decisions, but sorry if in some way I acted like I think anyone is overreacting or being dramatic by choosing NOT to have bumpers. I totally understand why you don't, and I probably wouldn't have them either if not for the EB risk. Anyway, I just wanted those of you who have lost children or loved ones to SIDS know that I am so, so sorry. And I hope you know that me asking people NOT to comment about the bumper thing was not me trying to be insensitive to that. It was more just because I didn't want that can of worms to be opened. (And we all see how well that worked out.) Anyway, I'm just so sorry you know that kind of pain. Because I know it too. And I hope you know I wasn't trying to be insensitive to that. I have a very good friend who lost her baby boy to SIDS a long time ago, and I ache for her every day. (I love you, M).

Why does God always seem to choose to teach us humility the hard way? Is there any easy way to learn that lesson?

It's been so crazy today. I was so up this morning after a good night's sleep (not going so great tonight... Matt's still fighting that battle as we speak), dressing change went excellent, and his face just looked so good today. I was so on top of the world... literally, a bounce in my step. And then... all the negative commenting on the blog, a horrible email I received on Jonah's gmail account about something totally unrelated yet even more hurtful, and then, lo and behold if Jonah didn't develop yet another tongue blister and could not eat. Crazy how it all just flips upside down like that.

And in those moments, you have to think, "Is somebody trying to tell me something here?" Either God's trying to move me here or Satan's trying to pull me away from Him. I don't know which it was, but I've been convicted on so many levels tonight. I feel like so much is running through my head, there's no way I can touch on it all now (Did I mention Jonah is still awake?... Oh, I did? Okay then.)

There is only one other time in my life recently (other than today) when I have felt so pursued by Satan. It was just a couple weeks after Gabe died. Upon our arriving at church, we went to Sunday school, and they were having a baby shower for a girl who had just had her second or third child, and he was wearing the very same outfit I had been given by a friend the Sunday morning before Gabe died. And then, I came home and found HORRIBLE comments left on posts about Gabe (thus the reason I originally had comment moderation enabled.) Comments that I won't even allude to here, because they were so horrible, and I truly think the person who wrote them most have been demon-possessed, because I don't know how anyone could ever say anything like that. Anyway, my point is... I feel pursued by the Devil today. But it's only pushed me closer to my Jesus, so even though it's been a hard day, I consider it a victory.

I made the comment to my mom today that I feel like God only listens to about 1/8th of my prayers... which I know isn't true, but I was feeling sorry for myself. (Bear with me... this gets a lot better). I've just felt so frustrated and angry, and truthfully, although I know some of you think I have some inspirational faith (although those of you who really know me know the truth), I maybe pray every three days lately (hold on... I told you it gets better). I've been having a hard time. So anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I made that comment.

And then I saw what had happened on the blog, and I got so angry. SO ANGRY. I was shaking as I typed my last post. And Mom asked me if I wanted to think about it a little more before I posted, and I immediately said no, wrote it in about two minutes, and posted. And even though some of it needed to be said, I'm not proud of how angry I was or that I used all caps a lot. I don't like capitalizing in anger.

And in the email that was so nasty we received, it said something along the lines of "it's people like you that make me want to have nothing to do with Christianity." (And that was before my angry post even, so as you can see, that person is not my biggest fan.) And that made me SO ANGRY again. But that's not my point. My point is that it got me thinking. What is Christianity all about? What is it that people have in their heads? What do they expect it to look like? What is it they want to have nothing to do with exactly?

And "all" I could come up with is this:

I am a sinner saved by grace. Broken. Imperfect. Pretty much disgusting.

I'm the low-down, dirty, slimy, stinky scum between your toes. (No offense to your toes or anything.)

But I'm forgiven.

And I need lots of forgiveness today. Forgiveness for many things, but most of all for doubting my God... for doubting that He loves me enough to handle all this, for doubting how He's decided to use Jonah and this blog, for doubting that He hurts as much as I do when Jonah gets a blister on his tongue.

So back to my story... (man, I'm having a hard time staying on topic). So I made that comment to mom, angry posted on my blog, responded to nasty email (and felt lots of hatred in my heart... but I'm better now), and then Matt came home. And I was praying over Jonah asleep in his crib and crying and just so ticked off I could barely stand it. And after Jonah woke up, he still couldn't eat, and the blister had gotten bigger. So instead of a bottle, he ate some squash (which he decided to love again... funny how your perception changes when you are starving) and then I gave him some bananas (instead of avocado), because I knew it would be something he would like, and I really needed him to eat. After that, we set up for dressing change, and then Jonah and I went out on the deck. And it was raining and beautiful. We were watching the rain and listening to the chimes, and I started praying out loud (something that is kind of weird for me) for Jonah to God just about everything, but mostly that He would make that blister pop so I didn't have to figure out how to stick a long needle on a syringe in his mouth and lance it myself.

And just after I finished praying, I put my finger way back in his mouth again, and the blister was drained (after having checked it only ten minutes earlier). And I thought, "Wow. I am NOTHING."

And I've spent all afternoon thinking about all this negative comments and the nasty email. I've thought about the phrasing, "if you really love your son," and "if you really care what's best for him." (Is there any doubt???) And the conclusion I've come to (the hard way, of course) is WHO CARES? Who cares about comments like that or nasty emails? Who cares how they made me feel? Who cares that I was angry? Well, God cares, but that's not my point. My point is that we just need to get over ourselves.

I. AM. NOTHING.

But with my Jesus, I am PERFECT. I am whole. I am forgiven. And even when I've had a sinful day like today, and I've felt Satan prowling around so close I can feel his breath, he cannot get me. I am already TAKEN. I'm spoken for.

I'm the daughter of the Most High King.

So get behind me, Satan.

Because my God's mercies are new EVERY morning, and tomorrow is a new day.

(Jonah's finally asleep now. We worked from 9 to 11:30 to get him down. He's gonna need some new mercies of his own if you know what I'm saying... JUST KIDDING. Sort of.)