Gideon's newborn shoot

The following Monday after we had picked Gideon up on Friday, I took Gideon to Jenn's for his newborn shoot. I would like to say this was a wonderful, happy experience, but I remember the day being very difficult for me. After Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of getting to bask in the unexpected blessedness of being a mommy to a newborn (we were always planning on school-aged kids), Monday came with social worker calls, notification for court dates and mandated twice-a-week visitations. Although we felt our case would fairly certainly end in adoption, I was ripped out of "normal new born baby world" and transported to our reality. Uncertainty and fear, fierce love and hope. I cried between photos.

I only go into this to say- foster care is hard. It's loving completely with all your heart, praying for what you want while simultaneously praying for God's will and what's "best," not even really knowing what that means or what that is. It's feeling like you want this baby forever and always, while simultaneously greiving for his birth mother and wanting only the best for her. It's wanting complete control over everything and having zero control over anything. It's being a mother in every single way but having no say in your child's future. It's hard, it's important, and regardless of outcome, it's worth it.

I'm overjoyed he is ours. But I'll never stop praying for Gideon's birth mom. I don't take any of it lightly or for granted. We are all so broken... each in our own way. I love one line in the new Casting Crowns song. "Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete. Could we just be broken together?" I pray for peace and for us all to find a way to live together and do the best we can in our different forms of brokenness. And I pray that our main priority in our relationships, whatever kind they are, is to show grace. Grace upon grace. 

I don't know what any of that has to do with adorable newborn pics. It's just where I am, thinking of this day almost two and a half years ago. If you are just starting this journey, I can't promise happy endings or rainbows and daisies. But you're doing good, important work. And I understand where you are. Hold fast. God's promises are true and his blessings are real, no matter what form they take. They are there. Don't get so caught up in the crazy or in fear that you forget to find them. He is faithful.