So I was already planning on doing a post on this topic, and had been thinking about it A LOT lately and trying to decide what I actually believe when my friend Jill, who is battling ALS, wrote this post. It was actually pretty crazy (and I'm sure not at all coincidental) that we were thinking about the same things.
* A side note before I get into all of this - I think Jill is one of the most courageous, honest, and amazing people on the face of this planet. I won't say she's strong or an inspiration (because I know that she doesn't feel like it), but I admire so many things about her, probably the biggest ones being her transparency and ever-growing faith (no matter how that manifests itself, Jill). *
I was talking to a friend the other day, and she said she doesn't think God performs miracles like He did back in Bible days. She said she thinks He did it that way back then to confirm the Word and that Jesus was, in fact, the Son of God.
I hope that's not true. I NEED to believe in miracles. And I'm not talking about a Stepladder Babies sort of miracle or even a Gabe's Message sort of miracle. I'm talking about an out and out God snaps his finger and takes away Jonah's EB sort of miracle. Because, honestly, I think a miracle from God is more likely than a cure. I'm not trying to be a pessimist or a defeatist, but if Jonah has the most rare form of an already extremely rare disorder, why would the research money go to curing his type? (Junctional is only 10% of EB cases.) And I know about the bone marrow transplants that are being done (and successfully so), but that's only for Dystrophic and, right now, only for kids who have a sibling match. And bone marrow transplants are no joke. They are dangerous and risky and no easy fix, to be sure.
I beg God for a miracle all the time - complete and total healing. I know He can do it, but will He? And I feel like I have so much faith that He can, but I often doubt that He will. I think about having faith like a mustard seed to move mountains, and when I think about that verse, it really does make me think that maybe He doesn't do that kind of miracle still. Because I feel like I have at least that much faith, and here Jonah is... so sick. And if He does still do that kind of miracle, who gets healed and who doesn't? Why hasn't he healed Jill? Why is Stellan still sick? Why did Kayleigh die? I know that my human understanding just can't get it. I know I'll never understand all this pain.
I just want to scream at all those Bible people who, no matter how many miracles God did, they still doubted. I mean, he parted a sea for crying out loud. He healed the lepers and only one came back. I would do anything for God to heal Jonah. I would dip him in a river seven times, I would lower him through the roof, I would travel across the world, I would crawl to touch the hem of his robe. He could do it in person. He could do it from afar. I would believe. I do believe.
But I still don't get it. Is it selfish to pray for healing? For a miracle? How do I pray, "Your will be done"? That is so scary to me. I know that's what I should pray, but rarely ever do I have the guts to pray it.
So in the meantime, I pray that God takes Jonah's pain away, that his face will continue to have more good days than bad, that he'll eat, that he'll resist infection... that we'll be strong enough to persevere... that we'll be able to do enough to keep him safe.
And of Him who is able to do immeasurably more than I can even ask or imagine, I ask for a miracle... even if it is selfish or not in line with His plan for Jonah, one thing I know for sure is that He understands why I have to ask anyway.