May 11, 2008
So in life sometimes there are moments when we just say, “God please just talk to me. Directly. Tell me why this happened. Tell me what you want me to do. Say something to give me some peace. I don’t want to read about it in the Bible. I don’t want to pray about it. I want YOU to TALK to ME.”
And sometimes He does just that.
One of my biggest fears or worries with Gabe’s death is that Gabe does not even know that I exist. My thought process on this is that if Heaven is perfect, and there are no tears or sadness there, how can Gabe know what’s going on with me? I am sad all the time, and I cry a lot. God would not let Gabe see all of that, because it would cause sadness in Gabe. I have been thinking about and praying a lot that God would let Gabe know how much I love and care about him… let him know that I miss him and think about him all the time. Please let him know who I am when I get to heaven and let me hold him in baby form, just one more time when I get there. Nobody here on earth knows what Heaven is really like, and I’ve been praying that God would show me Gabe in Heaven in a dream or something like that to give me some peace.
He chose a different way.
My mom was thinking a lot last week about what to get me for Mother’s Day. She wanted to have the perfect words for me that would comfort me and bring me peace. She thought about this a lot, but never really came up with anything she felt to be sufficient. On Friday night, Shaina (my little sister) wanted to go to a scrap-booking store. Mom took her to one store, but they were already closed. Shaina suggested a second store they could try. Mom said that they could go by there but was sure they would be closed too. They arrived at this second store, and it was open. Apparently, the second Friday of each month, the store stays open a couple hours longer.
Mom doesn’t like scrap-booking stores. She goes to them because Shaina likes them so much, but says she usually just walks around aimlessly, bored and killing time until Shaina finishes. So on Friday they went to this store that just happened to be open, and Shaina started looking around. Mom went to the aisle with the "how-to" books and started thinking about all of this with Gabe and me and Mother’s Day. There on the aisle, behind some unrelated books, in the wrong place, was a book… the only one of its kind, in a totally random spot, right in front of her face. The book is called, “Letters to Heaven.” Mom did not look at the index, but just opened the book to a random page. She opened it to pages 54-55.
On these pages she read:
I was pondering today
The words a tiny babe might say
If they were taken from the earth
Very close to their moment of birth.
What if they could look here below
And send us a love note to let us know
That they were happy and content
And that their time was not misspent…
“Mommy and Daddy, just want you to know
I realize that you love me so
And that you didn’t want me to leave,
But please don’t cry and fret or grieve.
God meant no harm to you or me
But my problems he could see
And knew that in Jesus arms
Was the best place for me to be.
An angel came and brought me here
And Mommy and Daddy, she saw your tears,
And even though she did not speak
With her wing she brushed your cheek…
I live in a lovely mansion here
With such a wonderful view –
It has a rocking chair and crib,
And there’s a special room for you!
I know that you won’t be here
For a very long, long time
But just wanted you to know
That your room is next to mine!
I hope you enjoy your life on earth
And don’t worry about me at all
For I have so many friends
And angels on whom I can call!
Sometimes we go outside
And the clouds are rolling by
And I know that you are looking up
And see them in the sky
When you look up on starry nights
And see them so bright and clear
Just know that they are not nearly as lovely
As they look from here!
I love it here and I’m so happy
That Jesus loves me so
And He loves you just as much –
Just wanted you to know!
Well, I must go back now
But remember if you will
That I loved you while in your arms
And I love you still!
Take care dear Mommy and Daddy
And love your lives for me
For I know that our time together
Was so much shorter than
You thought it would be!
Do not rush your life to get here
For I don’t mind the wait
And my face will be the first you see
When you enter the Pearly Gates!
Mom then flipped back to page 46, where she saw this poem.
HOLDING GABRIEL’S HANDS
Just a few days ago
We could not understand
That this would not be a joyful day
Of holding our new baby’s hand.
All of the preparation
And joyous days of waiting
For Gabriel to join us
Were supposed to end with celebrating.
Our special little angel
Was to be our pride and joy
Our precious gift from Heaven
Our darling little boy.
But that was not to be
And too quickly he was gone
Lifted up to Heaven
To hear the angels’ songs.
We know where our darling is
And we will get through this sorrow somehow
For as for our Gabriel’s tiny hands –
Jesus holds them now.
That store being open only on the second Friday of each month, and Mom and Shaina going there not knowing this information was no coincidence. Mom finding this book was no coincidence. Opening the book to those pages was no coincidence. Turning to the poem about Gabriel was no coincidence. I had prayed for a message and some peace, and mom had prayed about finding the perfect words. God answered both of our prayers with a message straight from Heaven and straight from my sweet Gabe.
God still performs miracles. God is still speaking. We just have to open our eyes, our ears, our hearts, and sometimes a random book to hear him.
My Gabe spoke to me tonight. God gave me his message. Gabe’s at peace, and Matt and I will be okay. Gabe’s gotten to our house before us and is having a blast killing time until we can get there. He’s waiting on me and so is his rocking chair.
I hope you all had a Happy Mother’s Day. I know I did.