resolved, maybe?

Did you guys make any resolutions?


Although I would claim not to believe in them, I do have a lot of things I want to accomplish this year. I've been wanting to accomplish them for a long time, but I'm feeling a revitalized need to force myself to be motivated. Is that ambiguous enough for you?


So here are the things I would like to get done soon(ish):
- spend 30 min to an hour a day studying the Word deeply (not counting my 15-20 minutes of daily reading I do before bed); be in communion with God; learn more and more who He really is, therefore discerning his will and lining up my heart with His (just bought a study bible and concordance with gift cards from Christmas. Super excited!)
- finish reading the "bible in a year" (I'm in November... almost done! Have loved it - I'm just slow. :) )
- get up every morning (except Sundays) to do a workout video or go for a run 
- get a healthy amount of sleep (at least 7 hours a night, for me)
- organize my photos (there are thousands) and put them into iphoto; delete ones I don't need (hard for me)
- send in our wedding photo negatives to get digitized (if that's the right word)
- order, frame, and hang photos up our stairwell 
- figure out what I want to do for the walls in our bedroom, Jonah's bedroom and living room (we've rearranged furniture and there are lots of bare spots); need cheap solutions
- get myself on more of a schedule, plan times for rest and naps (so I don't feel guilty when I need them)
- simplify, avoid over extending, slow down and enjoy the life God's given us
- finish our licensing stuff for adoption through foster care (almost there... dragging my feet)
- learn to play the guitar (I started last summer but have let it slip)
- make relationships a priority
- potty train Jonah (really really really dreading it)


So anyway, that's a lot of stuff. I actually made a daily schedule for myself to help me feel more motivated and to help with my depression. I've been on an antidepressant since November a year ago (not an easy decision but a prayerful one and one of the best I've ever made), and it has definitely helped me, but I feel like it's kind of wearing off. I figure a lot of that has to do with the fact that the days are getting colder, it's darker so soon, I'm not making time with God a priority (not feeding my soul), have horrible eating/health habits, and I've stopped running. Anyway, I work hard in the mornings feeding Jonah, mixing his meals, doing bath, and changing his bandages, but then I just feel like I crash and don't do much of real substance for the rest of the day. Some days I feel like that's okay, but my personality requires that I be somewhat productive to feel content. Right or wrong, that's just what I know about myself.


So the schedule I'm trying (not that you care, but I need to record it) is:
6:30-7:30 Workout
7:30-8:15 shower, get dressed/make-up, prep Jonah's breakfast
8:30-9:00 sit down and eat with Jonah (Jonah finishes at 9:30)
9:00-10:00 unload/reload dishwasher, fix meals thru next day breakfast, draw up meds for the day
10:00-11:30 bathe Jonah, do bandage changes
11:30-1:00 let Jonah play, actively play with him, chores, phone calls etc.
1:00-1:20 sit down and eat with Jonah (Jonah finishes at 2:00)
2:30-3:30 get in the word, study, pray (Jonah napping)
3:30-4:30 chores, projects, answer emails, nap if needed (Jonah napping)
4:30 get Jonah up, go for a walk if not too cold
5:00 start dinner; fold dressing change laundry load
6:30 eat dinner


So anyway, that may be a little insane, but it's what I need right now, and today it worked really well. Except that I DID take a nap and I slept longer than I meant to so I'll probably be up till 2 am... which is totally going to mess up my 6:30 am workout (which I (un)affectionately refer to as "Death by Jillian").


I'd be interested to hear what y'alls goals are and your plan to not punk out. I'm a major punker outer.


I read Ann Voskamp's blog every day, and her post yesterday was amazing. I hope you can go read it if you have the time. 


But as I thought about my "New Year's non-resolutions," I really appreciated this part:
"Contentment isn’t a state of organization, a weight on the scale, a state of better:better kids, better marriage, better health, better house. Contentment is never a matter of circumstances; contentment is always a state of communion — a daily embracing of God. A thankfulness for all the gifts – and moments and life, just as He gives it. Trying harder may only bring harder trials and contentment, it won’t be be found in the resolutions, but in the revolutions – in the turning round to God."


No matter what goals I have and what does and does not get accomplished, God is number one. And it's the continuing to turn back to him that is MOST important. Praying that I keep that in mind when the freshness of the New Year and renewed aspirations wears off and I'm left with the same old same old reality. God lives there too. And my contentment can be found right there, with Him.

what a difference a year makes

One year ago today, I wrote this:

After Matt and I finished our visit, I took Amy back to see him. We looked at him for about 10 seconds when he started turning purple. She and I were both freaking out, trying to get someone's attention. Luckily the dermatologist was still in there and was more assertive in getting someone to attend to him. He was purple for what seemed like a really long time before the alarm went off, and everyone went into action. He had stopped breathing, and it took them several minutes to get him breathing again. Amy ran out and got Matt. And for a few minutes, Matt stood and watched them work on Jonah while I cried in an opposite corner of the room. It was extremely scary, and I still have not settled down from it. I'm somewhere between afraid to leave his side for a second and not wanting to be back in there at all.

This night last year I experienced this:

I took a sleeping pill last night (a generic form of Ambien) and had MAJOR hallucinations. I can’t begin to explain how horrible it was, but by the time it was over, Matt was lying on one side of me, his mom on the other, with Matt holding my eyes closed trying to get me to go to sleep. I knew they were both there, but I could either not see them or they looked very scary. All kinds of creatures and figures floated around me (their skin peeling off), all pulling me back trying to take me away. I knew there were two realities – the reality of Matt in the room trying to calm me, and the reality of the hallucinations. One was no more real than the other. I kept saying to Matt, “Where are you? They are trying to take me.” It was the scariest non-reality reality I’ve ever experienced, and unfortunately I remember every detail. I felt Satan’s presence very real there. Although the hallucination was drug-induced, Satan definitely took advantage of my weakness. Between the stress and worry over Jonah, lack of sleep, having to face going home without a baby in my arms again, and the sleep drug, it was a bad night.

Last year, this time, I had seen my baby stop breathing and had thought he was going to die right in front of my eyes (at 37 weeks and one day, just like Gabe). And I had gone home, now for the second time, having given birth but with no baby to take home with me. I had dreamed of demons and zombies coming after me with their skin falling off. This day and night last year was pretty hopeless for me.

What a difference a year makes.

Tonight I go to bed with hope for a cure and hope for Jonah's future. I smile and laugh more than I cry, and I just got to celebrate with my Jonah at the coolest kick-butt party EVAH (about a gazillion birthday party posts to come...).

I'm exhausted, but I'm hoping for sweet dreams.
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On a side note, between the $7,553.01 from the auction and the donations we got at Jonah's birthday party, DebRA will be receiving $9,222.01. And that's not counting Meg's Avon Event sales or anything that was donated directly to DebRA.

What a difference a year makes.