playing cars with Jesus

Matt had a bad headache last night, so I told him I would put Jonah to bed myself. We included Daddy and his head in our nightly prayers. At this point, Jonah still chooses to repeat what I pray and hasn't really ventured into praying for himself. He was very concerned about Matt's head though and fervently repeated my prayer that he feel better.

After we finished prayers, we were just lying there talking, and started talking about God and Jesus and Gabe living up in Heaven.

Jonah: I want Gabe to come to my house.
Me: I know, Buddy, but Gabe can't. He lives up in Heaven with God and Jesus. And you know what? Someday we will go live up there too, with them.
Jonah: And God will play cars with me?
Me: I bet He would! Do you think that would be fun?
Jonah: Yeah!
Me: What cars do you think God would like to play with?
Jonah: (kind of starry voiced) Ohhhh, He play with Pretty Car (his Prius) and Recycling Truck and Grampa's Car (a little red car we have).
Me: Wow, Jonah! Those are some of your favorites. You would let God play with those?
Jonah: Sure He can!
Me: And what car is your favorite?
Jonah: Green Van!
Me: Do you think you would let Jesus play with your Green Van?
Jonah: How 'bout Jonah play with it first?
Me: Sure. I bet Jesus would be happy for you to play with it first, but then maybe He could take a turn?
Jonah: Sure!

I don't know what it was, exactly, about the conversation that touched me, but ever since it happened, I just can't stop thinking about the verses in Matthew where Jesus talks about humbling ourselves and becoming like little children - that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those of us who change and become like them.

Fast forward to an hour or so later. Jonah was still awake in bed and we had to go up for something. Matt's head was feeling better. When he walked in the room and went to hug Jonah, Jonah asked him if his head was feeling better. When Matt said that it was, Jonah, with excitement and sincerity, squealed, "I PRAYED FOR YOU!"

Matt and I were lying in bed a little later, and I said, "Is there anything sweeter than that? Having your three year old son say that he prayed for you?" Matt agreed that there wasn't.

And I just keep thinking about Jonah's prayers. That even though he's just repeating what I'm saying, coming from his no-ulterior-motive, pure little heart, how powerful they must be. I read in Exodus 33 the other night that God would speak to Moses face to face, "as a man speaks with his friend." And then I think about how Jonah wants to be in Heaven, face to face with God and Jesus so they can play cars together... like he does with his friends.

Oh, that I could get all the "adult" stuff - preconceived notions, my (limited, in-a-box) perception of who God is, selfish ambition, distractions, sinful thoughts, worldy things - out of my head, and just approach God as a child does. As a friend, talking to a friend.

I'm praying today to know God as a friend, for the ability to become like a child and approach Him with a new awe and innocence... and trusting that God, through his Spirit, empowers me to do so... that with the sacrifice of Jesus, we are able to approach God personally, intimately, and be His face-to-face friend.

Matthew 18:3-4 - And He said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven."


Matthew 19:14 - Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these."


Exodus 33:11 - "The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with this friend."

shwoo

I love our Sunday morning worship times. Our preacher, Jon, uses so much scripture and is so transparent, authentic, powerfully to-the-point and challenging. Every Sunday, coming away, I always have a lot to chew on and am inspired to love Jesus and others better.

This morning, our sermon was on living faithfully, especially during times of trial, praying and trusting in God's power to do the unbelievable, and living in the hope that comes from that. A reminder that if our faith is in Jesus, we can look beyond circumstances and trials, and live in hope anyway, even when it seems impossible.

Among a few other illustrations, Jon read this post I had written when Jonah was only a few days old.

can i get a woo woo?

Patrice, why on earth are you up writing a post at 4 am?

Why, you ask?

Because we just called the hospital to check on Jonah during my early morning pumping session and the nurse - beautiful, wonderful, heroic, ever-striving-forward Sabrina - reported to us that Jonah ate like a champ his last feeding. She estimates that he took AND SWALLOWED about 4 of the 5 cc's that she gave him tonight. One suck was so loud, she heard it outside of his isolette. Wow! God continues to answer very specific prayers, doesn't He? Are we surprised??? (that was rehtorrical of course)

... could be the Zantac.
... could be he's figured it out.
... could be just a one time thing.
... could be my Awesome Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

I choose number four. Yes, that's my final answer.

Thank you sweet Jesus for this  small huge victory in little Jonah's life. You continue to give him so much strength and will to survive. Maybe it's only a one time thing. Maybe it's a breakthrough. Either way, it's great news for one happy, happy set of parents. Thank you for your grace and your sweet mercies. They are new EVERY morning, even at 4 am.

Praise be to Yaweh Jireh - MY God, HE provides.

And then they showed this video I posted a couple of weeks ago.

(insert ugly Mommy sobbing here)

And then, at the end of the sermon, they played this song...


... which made me imagine praising God in His very presence, with a beautifully healed Jonah and a very alive Gabe by my side.

(insert more ugly Mommy sobbing)

God is so good. He has brought us so far. We have so much to be thankful for. And I'm especially thankful for that reminder this morning.

thankful

I prayed for this child, 

and the LORD has granted me 

what I asked of Him.

and we have a miracle!

Email I got earlier today from my sister in law:


Hi Friends,

I am THRILLED to report this update from a friend at the hospital via a text she just sent out:

Please keep praying, lots of recovery but pretty good news...
Per Melanie from the dr...
Apparently the stroke Hallie had destroyed the tumor remaining on the damaged area of her brain. They couldn't find the tumor bits but they took a bit of the damaged area to test for cancer but could not see any cancer. Said that this operation was as easy as the first time was difficult. :) Now she is still under and getting a feeding tube in her belly and the portacath in her chest for possible chemotherapy in the future. She is known as the miracle baby here :) !!!! 



Is our God amazing or what? I'll try to keep you updated on Hallie's continued progress, but thank you so much for praying! I know her family is so thankful. Thank you, God!


And on another, not-at-all-important-in-the-scheme-of-things, note -


I finally got my hair cut today like I've wanted to have it cut (but chickened out every time) for the last 12 (yes, TWELVE) years.

I done gone and done it. And I love it! (But maybe ask me tomorrow once I've had to wash and style it myself. It will not involve a round brush, flat iron, and molding paste like it did tonight. I can tell you that right now.)

i'm only going over home

I have been in a funk today but am feeling much better now. I think it's mostly that Jonah is gushing almost daily (although not today, Praise God!) again. I get so discouraged when I think he is over all that or we've found the solution, and then he starts again. It's so frustrating.

But what really gets me is that with each gush, I picture his esophagus blistering. I told you (or maybe I tweeted it) that we've been having to fight a little more to get him to eat this week. Today I think I know why. When he spits up, it's tinged a dark pink/brown. He hasn't eaten any solids today, so I know it's blood. Something's going on down there. I'm praying and hoping that it's just some isolated blistering and that it has drained now for good. But I worry. It's so hard to trust God sometimes. I'm always waiting for the bottom to drop out. I think I feel guilty that Jonah is doing so well. Leah's gone. Tripp is struggling so much. It doesn't make any sense.

As far as what we have been/are going through I'm less of the mentality, "Why Gabe? Why Jonah? Why us?" and more of the mentality, "Why not Jonah? Why not us?" This has nothing to do with how strong I am or my positive (ha!) perspective or anything. (You guys seriously have me all wrong, by the way.) I guess I just feel like I am owed nothing. I kind of think of those words, "I'm just a poor, wayfaring stranger," just trying to survive until I get to go home. And although I LOVE my life with Matt and Jonah, honestly there are many nights I go to bed ready to go home (wishing Matt and Jonah could just go ahead and come on with me, of course). I miss Gabe, and I want to see him.

But we are here for a reason. I can't remember if I've shared this before or not, but from the time I found out I was pregnant with Jonah until the day he was born, Matt and I prayed on our knees for him every night. My recurring prayer was "Let him live, God." Over and over and over again I would pray, "Let him live so he can praise you, Father. Let him live so he can tell his story." I dreamed of him being a missionary (whatever that might mean). And all of these prayers were before we ever even knew there was anything wrong. We had been told that Gabe dying was a fluke; inexplicable; "just one of those things." There was no reason to think that Jonah would be born "unhealthy." But then he came, and it was so bad. And I was sobbing, and Matt had to walk out in that waiting room, face our families, those hopeful eyes and share bad news... again. And nothing was like it was supposed to be. I'm considering sharing some of the photos Lauren took of us that day after we knew something was wrong. I was looking through them the other day, and they are heartbreaking - the fear, sadness, desperation in our faces. Why us?

Why NOT us?

God answered my prayers. Jonah is living. Not only living, but thriving. He's beating the odds, eating, growing, resisting infection. By the statistics, he should not be here right now. But God said, "yes." Jonah has a story to tell. We have a story to tell. We're not done praising. It's not time to go yet.

And I'm glad.

I'm so thankful that (for now at least) he's said yes.

I sing this song to Jonah, but I change the word "mother."

I know dark clouds will gather ‘round me
I know my way is rough and steep
But golden fields lie out before me
Where God’s redeemed shall ever sleep
I’m going there to see my brother
He said he'd meet me when I come
I'm only going over Jordan;
I'm only going over home.

Yep, we're surely going...

But not quite yet.

thank you

Every Wednesday, as Jonah allows, I like to try and write down a prayer for him in a prayer journal. Partly it helps me focus and say all the things I need/want to say to God and partly it's for him to read when he gets older. I'm not saying this to boast or anything, but I just wanted to share with you part of the prayer I prayed on November 18th (consequently the last time I was able to write one down until today... did I mention that Jonah doesn't nap?).

(Keep in mind that Jonah had g-tube surgery scheduled for the very next Wednesday.)

I'm weary, God. Weary of struggling to feed him, of fighting him every day. I just want to be able to spend happy time with him. God, if you see fit and would allow it, can you intercede for us and make this tube unnecessary? I pray that he will eat like never before, God. Please hear me. Give us this miracle.

Jonah ate 32 ounces today, gushed about three, so still got around 29 ounces. He gained 12 ounces this past week. There is no g-tube anywhere in his immediate future.

And what do I say to God now? Thank you? Man, it just sounds so cheap. How do I thank him for keeping Jonah out of surgery, a 180 turn around as far as how and how much he's eating, and for this miraculous weight gain? How do I thank him for answering each and every one of my prayers above and beyond what I could have imagined? How do I tell him how much it meant to me that I just fed him and put him to bed without him uttering so much as a whimper? He took his bottle while awake, eagerly, and fell peacefully asleep while drinking. I was able to spend "happy time" with him. I enjoyed feeding my child and he enjoyed eating.

How can I ever say thank you enough?

Isn't it wonderful that we serve a God so full of grace and mercy that we don't ever have to (and can't ever) do anything enough? What a relief that I can say thank you and that it is enough. Not because of anything in me, but because of the grace He offers and the sacrifice he made through his Son so that I never have to be enough.

I'll never be able to say thank you enough. I'll never be grateful enough. I'll never be good enough.

Enter grace.

Now I don't have to be. Shwoo. What a load off.

Thank you, God.