Wednesday, November 30, 2011

taking it down

Yesterday afternoon I hung our stockings. All four of them.

This morning I woke up and felt like it was time to take Gabriel's down.

I don't know why. I don't know why I've needed it up the last two years. I don't know why God is saying it's time to put it away now.

I cried as I took it down. It doesn't feel right, not having it hanging there with the rest of our family's.

But I know it's the right thing for us. So I put it in his box, with all the other cards, treasures, memories of him that I'll cherish forever. 
Remembering Gabe is important. But finding joy in the right now and experiencing it fully are LIFE.

So I'll cling to the joy of now and to the hope of the future. Like Matt said this morning as we were emailing back and forth about this, "We have another life to spend with Gabe." Eventually we'll all be together. Although there is an enormous part of me that can't wait for that day, there is a very real and important part of me that has to find complete contentment and joy in what God has given me in this very moment.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

Thanks for listening. It's been a surprisingly emotional morning. Funny how it hits in spurts and waves, unexpected, unstoppable, painful, but still desperately needed, beautiful. Like God allows us to have these moments of intense mourning, just when we're afraid we might be forgetting somehow. I miss that kid.

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