Monday, February 8, 2010

a little better today

I'm feeling some better today. I went to GriefShare tonight. It was thought provoking, emotional but good. I feel like I've been able to better identify today what's causing some of my funkiness, so I guess that's at least one step in the right direction.

I'm certainly not offended by any of you suggesting antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications, so don't feel bad for emailing about that. I'm definitely not against them, and I'll probably give it a few more days (and some more prayer) and talk to my doctor about it. I at least want to go to the doctor and have them check my thyroid and my Vitamin D levels. I KNOW the spring, being able to get outside, and sunnier weather will help... if it ever arrives.

I guess it boils down to me not feeling like a very good wife or mother right now... mediocre at best. And I just don't want to waste my time with Jonah (or Matt, for that matter) not living up to the fullness and potential God has in store for us.

So whether it's prayer, medicine to give me a jump start, better weather or a combination of all of that to help, I'm open to it.

Life's too short to half-live in funked out bummage.

You know what I'm sayin'?

32 comments:

lifelaughsandlove said...

That makes a lot of sense. If I had known the difference just a very small dose of Prozac would make in my life I would have started it a long time ago. I agree that weather makes a huge difference in my emotional state as well. A little sunshine goes a long way. No matter how you feel, though, just remember that you are doing a great job even if you don't feel like it!

~Amy

Laura A said...

I know EXACTLY what you're saying. But you're most certainly doing a terrific job - that sweet little face and THOSE EYES are the proof!!

I'm glad you're going to get your thyroid checked - was going to suggest that to you but didn't want to seem too intrusive. I'm going to get mine checked soon as well - that's why it came to mind when you first mentioned "the funk."

Anyway, I'm glad things seem at least a little better, and that you have a plan of attack. I'll pray for you to have wisdom to know what to do, and also for encouragement.

Love from TX!
Laura

beach2lady said...

from where we are looking at your blog and your life, you are Definitely and great Wife and Mother ! The grief share sounds like a great idea and I am glad it is helping , but I also think a Dr. checkup and talking with him/her about meds is a great idea. You have been through many emotional trials with two pregnancies, Gabe's death and Jonah's birth and health issues. I don't know anyone that could handle all that without some help. Hang in there and remember many of us are praying for you three! You WILL be better !!!
Hugs!
Linda

Stacy aka Fahiima said...

Good idea to check the Vit. D and Thyroid levels. My mom has hypothyroid and I know she was depressed awhile before she got it checked.
Extra prayer is always necessary too.
Looking forward to more pics of Jonah!
Layla loves him and prays for him all the time
-Stacy

Jessi said...

Totally get you. I have runs of those days too (the wife part anyway)...and I think a lot of it is because the weather! When they sun is out, I am MUCH happier and feel so much better.
Maybe you have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It's pretty common and basically it means the weather/sun affect your mood.
They have these light bulbs (full spectrum light bulbs) you can use in the winter that put out some of the same things as natural light and they help a lot of people through the winter. I'm thinking of getting some.

You're an awesome Mommy!! And I'm sure an awesome wife as well. Hang in there, know you're showered in prayers and do what you need to do for yourself!

Rebekah said...

Absolutly Patrice. I was very against anti-depression medication...that is until I had a doctor tell me that I was depressed. I couldnt believe it was happening to me...but I did fill the perscription and was on the pills for about two to three months until I felt like I was OK. With much prayer, I was able to get off them and things have been much better. I am no longer against that kind of treatment...it helped me. You are amazing, and Im sorry you are in the dumps right now. We sure care about you and hope to see you feeling better soon.

chinamoon1420 said...

Glad you are feeling better and I am so glad you had a better day. Maybe talking to someone and sharing (other than with your husband) is just what the dr ordered! Keep it up. I know talking for me works wonders. I just love any kind of therapy! Our children's hospital has a parent advisory council. This is my first year doing it. We do things to help the hospital help families have better experiences when they are there. We have all kinds of parents who have children affected with all kinds of things. This is really helping me. It makes me feel like I am not just sitting around doing nothing. I get to give back to people who gave so much to me. Maybe you could check into your local children's hospital about something like that. I know someone like you would be a very valued member on our team and could teach our hospital so much. I could see you being a valued member for another children's hospital. It doesn't take up a lot of my time. So far, only one Monday a month. Like you, I don't get to get out much so this is something that gets me out of the house and I am doing someone some good. (just sayin'!!!!)
Anyway, I think you are a terrific mom and wife. You and Matt have been through a lot these past couple of years and sometimes it just all catches up with you. IT does me anyway. You are human, not superwoman. Well, you are superwoman to me! You are doing the best you can. Jonah and Matt love you so much. You can see it in the pictures.
I hope the day comes soon when you feel like you are being a good mom and wife. It doesn't matter what we all think, it is what you think that matters.
Much love and BIG hugs to you!

thorney said...

I can understand what you are are saying, but you are doing a fantastic job as a mommy, and I will assume as a wife too :) Glad to hear you are going to see a doctor about it all.

I can't tell you how much xanax and cymbalta helped me deal with my husbands cancer and 5 years of once a week chemo, that lasted for 3 days if we were lucky and the entire week if not so lucky, only to begin again every Friday morning at 7:45am. The meds made all the difference in the world for me, for us. I don't plan to be on them forever, but while we are in this spin of life they do help.

Keeping you in my prayers.

--Mari

Jessica K. said...

I will be praying for you. This time will pass and you will look back and be able to smile about this.

My mom had a burnout 4 years ago. She let everything build up inside her. I am telling you this, so you can prevent something similar. She completly went nuts (sorry my english is bad and I dont have a better way to put it). She called the police and told them to arrest her, she thought I was in jail (back then I was living in Texas for 4 months). She had to go to a mental clinic and that was the best thing ever. She had a wonderful therapie there. It was a christian clinic so they had a lot of services to go to. Dance therapie, drawing, group sessions etc. I enjoyed visiting her there and see how the sparkle came back into her eyes. It was horrble to look at her b4 hand. She wasnt able to laugh, not even to smile.
Today she is NOT taking any meds. She learned how to help herself. She started saying NO and not take on more work than she already has.

I hope you will see your doctor soon. I know that I get a sad feeling in the wintertime bc those dang clouds hide the sun. I feel so much more energy during spring and summer. Oh and you could also give it a try and eat some dark chocolate everyday!! Supposed to work like an antidepressant but tastes a lot better!! :)

Dont worry though. Matt, Jonah and Gabe have a wonderful wife and mother. You are doing a wonderful job and I would love to come over and give you a big hug and take you out for dinner!! :)

I hope you have a wonderful day! Take care of yourself, do a girls nigth out or date night, get pampered!!

Mike and Tiffany said...

By the time February hits, I HATE winter. I want color and life and sunshine. My favorite thing to do on my lunch break is to drive to the nearest large garden center and walk in the greenhouses. It is warm and full of life and usually pretty empty of customers so it is like a quiet private oasis in the dead of winter. Sometimes even seeing the colorful painted pots all stacked up is enough to put a smile on my face for at least a few minutes. I hope we get an early spring!
Tiffany

Linda said...

Hi Patrice:
My God, if you weren't in a funk I would worry about you. What you have been through the past year, plus the crummy winter weather all adds up to funk to me.
Hang in there Patrice, the better days are coming. EB affects every member of the family and we all HATE it with a passion.
Hoping God gives you a big HUG today. Hang in there, we all care so much about you. Love Leah's Nana

Shannon Bradley said...

I have never commented before, but have been reading your blog for a while :) Me and my little family are from NC too! I love your sweet and honest spirit, and humor of course ;) 2 Thes 3:13 "Never tire of doing what is right."...I see your passion for your son and your family, and know you work your tail off hour to hour! No one could care for Jonah or your husband for that fact, like you can! Funk and all...I miss the sun, too :( Thanks again for sharing your life with us and know you are an encouragement to so many people :)

Jennifer said...

Patrice, After living in Alaska and struggling with the weather and vitamin defficiency that comes with the winter... we discovered that taking vitamin D and B12 works wonders on how you feel. 2 years ago when we moved to Germany, my husband started taking them again because the winter was rainy and dreary, too. We take the cheapest versions and so do many of our friends and they work wonders. It might be worth the shot. Prayers for you and your family.

Deciduous Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deciduous Heather said...

Hi Patrice. Major (((HUGS))) to you...I could have written your post word for word, my dear. I am also here in NC and struggling with this seemingly longer and grayer and colder winter than usual (or is it just me?). I know how you feel. I am also a Pharmacy student that went to the Dr last week and just cried and asked him to please check my levels because I don't feel like myself. I had a sinus infection too so I walked out with an antibiotic and a Rx for Prozac~lol~ I guess I really was a "hot mess" LOL I know that Spring will make a huge difference for me so until then I plan to just bear with it and eat some dark chocolate along the way...I just wanted you to know that I relate to your day to day struggle and misplaced feelings of mediocrity....I feel like that bigtime right now. The truth is we are doing the best that we can and it won't be like this for long. Smile, sweetie!! I will be thinking of you when it warms up soon and the sun comes back out. <3
Heather

Our family page said...

I haven't been on your blog for a while. I have prayed for you almost every day, but just haven't been in a "blog" mood lately and have tried to stay off the computer. However, something pulled me to you today. Now I know what that "something" was! Girlfriend, you just need some good old fashioned lovin'. I mean girlfriend time. You need a big hug! I wish I could give you one. Of course you would probably look at me with big eyes and wonder who the heck I am, but oh how I would love to hug your neck. I read your blog entries and I think any of us would feel just like you do. Cause your life just isn't fun. And it probably is hard to think about the future because none of it looks fun. That would depress Jim Cary. I wish I had the magic button for you to push, but I don't. I will tell you that I will be praying harder. I will also say that looking at those pictures of the two best looking guys I have seen in awhile, (not including the 3 that live with me) they don't look like they live with a "mediocre" wife and mom! You are my hero! God bless your sweet heart!

Erica said...

dYou are the best mother and Best wife! I pray that you will have better days to come! We love you! hold your head high your are doing great!

Love Erica

the*4*of*us said...

I absolutely know what you're saying :)

Barb said...

I'm not a counselor at all, but it really sounds like what you are going through is a very normal grieving process - grieving for the life you pictured (the Norman Rockwell life MOST of us pictured). Up until now, you've been so busy with survival mode, there wasn't time to grieve. Now that things have settled down a tiny bit, there's time to process all the emotions. It doesn't mean you are weak, unspiritual, selfish, or any of that nasty stuff - you're just processing so you can come out the other side. Lots of prayer going up for you all as you walk through this part.

Claire said...

You are so sensible and thoughtful sweetie. I hope this all works out for you. Praying.

Cxx

rameelin said...

So proud of you Patrice! I know that the thought of medication in society is sometimes discouraging but I have seen great results in family members, and even myself at times from certain medications. I know it is not always the answer, and is probably not a long time solution, but it is great that you can be open to the idea. However, I know that the Lord can bring you out of this valley and He will do so. I see your diligence to trust Him and to want to give the best of yourself to Matt and Jonah. You're doing great and everything you feel is extremely valid. I'm just so proud of you for being so true to yourself and how you're feeling. Praying for you and thinking of you everyday! Love the new pictres btw!!!

. said...

I pray today that God will restore to you strength and the Joy of the Lord. God bless you.

Natalie said...

Hi Patrice, I have been a reader of your blog for quite a little while, but have never commented. Your little guy is so cute. You three are such a nice family.
I'm sorry things are hard for you, but know that God does love you.

My niece's mother's sister or sister-in-law (not sure yet) has a sister that has had 3 children with EB. I just found out today and haven't even read her blog, but I did find out that the sister and her husband are the heads of an EB foundation. They have a story that you may be interested in. Maybe you even know about it already. Anyway the foundation address is: www.ebkids.org
You can read an interesting newpaper article about them on:
www.mormonwomen.com
to get to the specific article, it's either the address above or the one below:
www.mormonwomen.com/2009/10/19/beyond-this-mortal-coil
I don't know if you need to add .blogspot.com
Sorry to be a poor reporter, but that is all I know.
She mentions that there is a possible cure for eb babies. You probably know all about this, but I wanted to write just in case you you haven't.
If you want me to get further information or her private blog I think I can get it for you. Let me know.
I wish you and your sweet Jonah and hubby too the very best.
Hugs, Natalie
narhets@hotmail.com

javawrites said...

I have never commented on your blog, or any blog for that matter. But I love reading your entries. From what I can tell, we're pretty much opposites (I was born in California, I was not raised Christian, I don't have kids [although I hope to start trying soon]). Anyway, all that to say, we seem very different, but you have inspired me tremendously. I'm sorry you are going through a rough(er) time right now, but from the outside looking in, you are an amazing mother and wife. An amazing person. Reading your blog has given me a better understanding of faith and devotion and committment and how to live from a good place in your soul, even when times are hard. Thank you for that. I hope your funk lifts and you get a glimpse of you as others see you. As an inspiration.

Nancy said...

Noah and I pray for you everyday at his nap. I can't even imagine how hard this is. Hugs!

Melissa said...

Hey, sweet mama! I'm so sorry about the funk that has plagued you. Every time I've watched the national weather forecast and seen what's going on in your part of the country, my thoughts have been with you. Yes, spring will come, along with the much-neeeded sunshine. (I wish it would hurry, too!) I'm praying for you. Hang in there, girl.

You ARE a wonderful wife and mother, just one with more on her plate than most. I really sense God's pleasure in you and your efforts on your family's behalf. Being a wife and mother sometimes involves truly dying to ourselves and becoming servants to our families.

BUT, dear one, take those outings when you can, treat yourself, and know that times of refreshing will come. The dark valleys will give way to mountaintop experiences once again, and so on. Such is the Christian walk.

Blessings!
Melissa

Denise said...

Glad you are seeking help NOW and not waiting... I have spent years "half living in funked out bummage" and now I regret all the lost time that the locusts have eaten (as the Bible says in some passages).

Never been officially diagnosed with depression but I have listened too often to the negative voices in my head and they turned into self-fulfilling prophesy -- with a chaotic messy house, etc. etc.

Things are on the upswing but it hasn't been an easy road, so it is great that you recognize that things aren't quite right and are doing something about it before you have too big of regrets.

Blessings...

the-mommy-person said...

You're great. God certainly thinks a lot of you to have chosen you to be Gabe and Jonah's mother. He chose you, and Matt. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10

Rachelle said...

Mckmama just tweeted about Jonah's auction. Hope that gives you something to be excited about! Hang in there, hopefully this sunny weather will help a little.

Wendi Taylor said...

If sunshine & being outdoors helps you in the spring, you might consider a year-round vitamin d supplement. There's some evidence it can help ward off illness, too, (your body needs it to use the vitamin c to fight germs). Just a thought :-)

bcv0524 said...

I was thinking of mentioning post partum depression before, but never did for some reason. I actually went through it pretty bad and in my particular case, it was pretty rough. What you are describing sounds a little bit like what I went through on a smaller scale. I know when I went to the doctor about it, I was confused because my son was already 2 months old. I thought I was in the "clear". But, they said it could begin up to a year after the baby is born, so you aren't necessarily out of the range for it to pop up at this point. It may be something to consider?? The meds that I was on helped me so much. There was a time when I was VERY resistent to medication for the treatment, but in the end, it was the only option left. And, it worked so well along with therapy. I only took the meds for about a year and a half, and probably only needed them for more like a year. But, we moved north and I wanted to make it through one winter and the stress of the move before I tried to get off the meds. Anyway, I am getting a little rambly. I just wanted you to know that PPD is a possibility that you may want to consider talking to your doctor about. Not that I am diagnosing you by any means because you have circumstances that are much different from the "average" Mom. But, it is just something to think about. You are a wonderful mother and no one should ever blame you for feeling down about what you are going through! You, Matt, and Jonah will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,
Brie

Krus Family said...

I am so grateful for you sharing your life with all of us. I start and finish my day with Jonah!! He melts my heart every time with his utter perfectness. God made him just the way he should be to conquer HIS mission in this life, Thanks for strengthening me through all of you!!