not good

Things are not looking good for Jonah on the eating front. Only 11.5 ounces today, and only one of those was a decent bottle. All the others were no more than an ounce. Some he refused altogether.

I have been in tears all day. I'm so frustrated I can barely stand it.

I called the pediatrician's office today, explained what's going on, and Dr. B called me back within ten minutes. I think she reads the blog so already kind of knew what was going on. She said, "How are you doing?" I started sobbing and told her I was losing it. She said, "It's time. You know that, don't you?"

And I do know. I don't think we can put if off any longer. I've tried everything. He's just not taking it. We're all going crazy. The back of his ears are bloody and raw because of how he flings himself back, twists himself around, and fights the bottle. He won't eat solids. He won't take a sippy cup. He won't take it from a syringe. He won't take it from a regular cup after about four sips. I can't quit after thirty minutes, because it takes me thirty minutes just to get him drowsy enough to even have a chance. And even if I stop and try two hours later, it's the same thing. He doesn't know what hungry means.

It's time. And my heart is breaking.

It's not the g-tube itself. I think it would definitely be an improvement. It's the intubation that terrifies me. I'm so afraid that it will cause blistering, scarring, and will lead to a trach. And that's a whole new set of issues.

We have an appointment next Wednesday with the surgeon. Honestly, I don't know if we'll be able to wait that long to get the process started. I'm at the point of counting wet diapers just to make sure he's staying hydrated.

Every day like this feels like a million hours.

I'm just so tired. And poor Jonah. I can't even imagine how it is for him. He's got to be hungry, but just doesn't know how to feel better. He's not getting any of the extra vitamins and stuff I'm supposed to be giving him. And almost his whole right butt cheek is raw. He screams and cries in pain every time he has a poopy diaper. And I'm there. Causing the pain. Shoving the bottle. Being the bad guy. Always.

Sometimes it's just too much.