It is always my intention to be real here - to show both sides - the downs along with the ups, the valleys along with the mountain tops. And I will tell you this about myself - I am not stable. What I mean is this: For me grief or suffering or going through this (whatever you want to call it) is a roller coaster. It's how I deal. I'll have two or three days of really up and high, and then I'll sink back down. I think Matt, on the other hand, is experiencing a more steady, constant emotion (whatever you want to call it). Regardless, it sucks for both of us, and we're having a hard time.
Usually, I keep the prayer requests centered on Jonah, but tonight I'm asking for prayers for Matt and myself. Without going in to too much detail, I just feel Satan's demons around us like I have only a few times in our marriage. This is a big thing we're trying to wade through - and we're stressed and exhausted and on edge. We need help. But here's the kicker (and I'm only speaking for me here, not for him): I don't really want to talk to the only One who can really give me the help I need. I'm ticked, and I'm pouting. And I don't want to talk about it. I have nothing to say. And frankly, I'm having some trust issues right now. It comes down to this - Right now, I don't trust God enough to pray for a healing. And it pisses me off that I have to pray, "Please God. Make it ONLY just blisters." (You know, the painful, big blisters that leave a wound equivalent to a third degree burn. Make is JUST that.) Should any parent ever have to pray that? Messed up. Wrong. UNFAIR.
I was reading Ephesians 6 tonight (but let me be clear, I am rarely ever reading my Bible these days), but I was looking for the verse that was only vaguely in my head: "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." That is no joke. We are in the scariest, most horrible war ever imagined. And we are just moseying along like nothing's going on. We take the good as coincidence and take the bad and blame it on God. But this is war, and right now, I feel like I'm on the losing side.
It goes on to talk about the armor of God (you know, the cute suit you drew and labeled in Sunday school when you were a kid). "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Unfortunately, my shield is pretty flimsy, and I've definitely dropped my sword. Most moments, I feel completely defenseless, and offense is out of the question. I'm in the midst of the demons with only my bare skin.
I'm tempted to turn off comments to this post, only because I just can't hear right now the words "inspiration" or "strong" or "example." I am none of those things. I am a stinkin' sinner who has done a whole lot of wrong and is currently reaping a lot of repercussions of those bad choices (no, I'm not talking about God punishing me by giving Jonah EB - I know that is not the case). Please, if you choose to leave a comment, either let it be a prayer for us, for Jonah, or giving God the glory. Because I am sure not praising Him for any of this right now. We are on break. Please, please do not tell me how great I am. You are limited in the view you have of me. There's a lot here that's dark and gross and evil. The only goodness in me is that of Jesus. And right now, I'm not letting it shine out. I want to be radiant. I want to be actively participating (and excited about it) on the winning side. Because I know what side ultimately wins. I'm just too tired and beaten down to help fight. I want to stay here in this corner and be angry.
We are hard pressed on every side...
Someday soon I want to be able to honestly say and believe the rest.
...but not crushed
...but not in despair
...but not abandoned
...but not destroyed.