It has been a long time since I've posted. I am working A LOT and am so tired in the evenings, I don't venture up the stairs to post. I was going to this past weekend, but then our computer had a "fatal system error" and blacked out. We thought it was toast, but took it to a place and they were able to restore it and recover our files. Hooray for saving tons and tons of pictures that weren't backed up!
Are you praying? We need you. I have been in tears several days over the last two weeks, so concerned about the baby I can barely stand it. I am in almost constant mental turmoil, sick with worry. I am not proud of it, and I feel ashamed that I do not trust God more and am not relying more on his peace.
What has triggered all of this (besides the obvious loss of Gabe) is lack of movement on the baby's part... or at least lack of me feeling it. I KNEW I was feeling Gabe move at 17 1/2 weeks. I am now almost 19 weeks and have yet to feel the baby move (or at least enough that I've been able to identify it as that). I am very scared, and I know that it is Satan's attack on me. I have succumb to imagining every bad scenario to explain the baby's lack of movement. I know it's probably all in my head, but I'm scared and worried and sad and just... tired. I am weak.
We were supposed to have our ultrasound on Tuesday, but I called them today and asked if they could move it up. Being ever so wonderful, they have moved my ultrasound to Friday morning at 9:30. Normally people are excited about this because they want to find out the gender, but I want - no - NEED to see its heart beating, that its heart, lungs and vital organs are functioning, and that its little body is growing like it is supposed to. I care about nothing else. I want to see that our baby is okay.
Please, please be praying for us now, Friday morning, and in the months to come. I'm desperate for God's peace, mercy, and care of my baby. I'm afraid to pray that His will be done, because I don' t know what that means for our family. I want MY will. I want a healthy child.
I am broken. I am deep in the valley. Please pray that regardless of the outcome, Matt and I will soon be heading up the mountain. Thank you for your love and for going to the Father on our behalf. We are so appreciative.
And, hey, if you want to share some of your burden with me, I'll be glad to take it on. I'd so much rather be focusing on yours than mine. You are carrying me; I will be glad to help carry you.
Love you all,