happy turkey day

Today I am thankful for...

1. a hot shower and my warm, cozy bed.

2. Matt's dad's corny jokes that make me laugh out loud but make his mom roll her eyes.

3. the way that when he tells those jokes, he laughs at himself - A LOT - but it's a silent laughter where you don't hear anything, but his shoulders just start shaking.

4. DVR, so even if you are pregnant and want to go to bed at 8:30 (hey, don't judge me), you can tape the shows you like the most and watch them later. And when you do manage to stay up and watch them in real time, you can pause it and ask your husband what the crap is going on in Lost or Heroes because you may or may not have fallen asleep during last week's episode.

5. indoor plumbing, because, man, it's cold out there and when you go to the bathroom at least 3 times a night, it sure is nice to not have to put on a coat and shoes and ice your tooshy on a freezing cold outhouse seat.

6. Netflix and never ever having to go to the video store again.

7. Deac, who is always so happy to see me to the point of not only wagging his tail, but shaking the whole back half of his body, no matter what a jerk I've been that day in other areas of my life, who always lies with me on the couch, and starts tilting his head back and forth when you make funny noises; whose name is fun to say and insert into random songs that he seems to like very much; who barks and jumps at dogs, other animals, creepy looking people, or scary music on the TV.

8. Raya, who is soft like a bunny rabbit and has a really great personality unlike most ornery cats who think they are too good for you.

9. microwaves, dishwashers, and washers and dryers.

10. Kathryn, my best friend in the whole world, who will come over and be with you, even when you say you don't need her to, but she knows the truth, will give you a certain kind of lip balm for keepsies out of her own pocket just because you've had a hard time finding something that works and your lips hurt, that will help you clean your house just because she doesn't want you to be stressed out or to have to spend too much time alone doing something you hate, who calls you even when she knows you're at work and can't answer just to leave a message to say she is thinking about you, and because she cries for you, your pain and because she misses your son, months later when you're pretty sure most people outside the family have stopped crying.

11. My family on both sides - for my in-laws, Gerry and Debbie, who I want to see and visit and spend time with on a regular basis, who always give great advice, and love me like I'm their own daughter; for Kim who always calls just to check in, who understands my grief because she is a super-wonderful mom and knows how it would feel, and because she misses her own nephew so much, even though she barely got to know him at all; for Andrew who is awesome and does more for me than I even know, who has a heart for people and the love and courage to tell them about the love of Jesus that makes me so proud; for Dad who is always okay with driving an hour down here to fix something else that's just broken in my house for free and never acts like he minds or that it's an inconvenience for him, and pretty much has to do all the work by himself because we don't know what we're doing; for Mom who brings me lots of food and homemade pound cake just because, who always lets me raid her house (and her fridge) without calling first, who buys the new baby lots of new clothes because she is so excited she can barely stand it, and who loves me in a different way than anyone on this planet, only like a mommy can; for Peyton who has always been and will continue to be my hero, who supports me, lifts me up, but is not afraid to tell me the truth even if it hurts a little when I need to hear it; for Amy who is not my sister-in-law, but just my sister who gets fired up about injustice, seeks out helping people and does days of research and planning to help solve their problem, even if she doesn't know them well, and who drives to come see me twice a week with her two small kids, when I'm hurting, just so I don't have to be alone, who makes spending time with me a priority when she has so many other things she could be doing (I'll never forget it), who prints out and helps me address all of my thank you notes, and who shows me love in so many obvious and concrete ways; for Sarah who is so much like me it makes us fight sometimes, but is different in the best ways, who gets mad at people who have wronged me and says she'll go beat them up if I want her to, who I can call and cry to during an anxiety attack, talks me through it, and then distracts me by telling me a funny or random story that makes me feel better, who is growing into someone so great and beautiful it blows my mind sometimes; for Shaina who is by far THE coolest 13-year-old on the face of the planet, who lets her big sister kidnap her off the bus in the afternoons to come hang out so I won't have to be alone, who goes on errands with me so I won't have to go by myself, who helps do chores around my house just because she loves me, and who has a big heart for other people and loves them in a quiet and tender way and who gives great hugs; for Maw-Maw and the wonderful person she is;

12. and for my nieces and nephews who say hilarious things, and seem to always say them right when you need to laugh or stop taking life so seriously. The most recent - Will got to pick his dessert out of his Halloween bag, and his mom read the label to him - "Three Musketeers." He seemed content but then opened it up and said, "Hey, mom, this is only ONE musketeer," in great disappointment... And this ode to Swedish fish by Asher.

13. for Gabe, who touched my life in a way I never knew possible, for giving me the best 37 weeks of my life, who made me laugh and smile, who changed me completely, and helped me feel the arms of my loving Savior in a way I never had before.

14. for our new baby boy who is renewing us every day, for his kicks and movements, and for the excitement and hope he gives us for tomorrow.

15. for Matt - the greatest guy on the face of the earth, and the closest person to Jesus I know; who loves me unconditionally, forgives me over and over again when I definitely don't deserve it, and who knows me better than I know myself; who tells me stupid jokes, likes dumb movies and laughs really loud watching them; who helps with the housework without complaint and without thinking it's not his job; who wants to be involved with his future kids, not just babysit them; who listens to the dumb songs I make up (mostly about Deac and the new baby) and actually appreciates them; who also shakes his butt like Deac when I come home because he is happy to see me; who is okay with me working part-time and making things financially tighter, just because it makes me less stressed and more peaceful; and who makes me happier and happier every day.

16. And for Jesus, who died on the cross, took my sin away, and gives me hope for an even greater life than the one I already have and the promise that I will see my Gabe again.

Psalm 28:7 -
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

the best ever... seriously

One of the wonderful ladies I work with at Young Life, Elisabeth, told me the BEST NAME EVER! She is a Young Life volunteer at a high school in Greensboro, and one year she met this girl named Asdawn. Okay, you might say, it's interesting, but really, Patrice, the best ever???

Oh yes, my friend. Just wait...

So she gets to know this girl throughout the year, but never asks her what her middle name is. She goes to graduation at the end of the year and pulls out her program. Well, you know that in most graduation program's the students' full names are written out. I don't remember her last name, but that's really beside the point.

Are you ready??? Wait for it... Wait for it...

Asdawn Beginstheeveningends _________

Can you believe that? That, my friends, I hereby declare the BEST NAME EVER.

(Still a girl's name though... whatever will we do???)

gatlinburg

Last weekend we went to Gatlinburg to meet up with Trent and Frank, two of our high school buddies. Allow me to make an observation: Mapquest is the devil. I literally thought we were going to die on that dark, rainy, foggy (no really, ALL of those things) road before we got there. I was actually praying, "God please don't let a deer jump out. Please don't let us hydroplane." (Confidence is something hard to come by when you keep seeing signs that say, "Curvy road next 11 miles," "Elk crossing," or "Watch for falling rock.") It was THE scariest drive I've ever endured... and that's saying a lot people - I've been in many a scary ride situation with my dad and his fast cars. This was not Matt's fault though. Mapquest - you know, the devil - literally took us on the darkest, curviest roads known to man. There were thick patches of fog, slick rainy spots, and 90 degree turns. It was terrible. I really wanted to kiss the ground when we finally got there, but being over 5 months pregnant made that a little difficult.

When we finally got to our cabin, Trent made a fire (God bless him), and we got to relax for a while before going to bed. Trent mentioned something about hiking the next day - HAH! Matt said, "Patrice can't even go up a set of stairs." That's not exactly true - I can go up them... I just can't breathe at the top. So anyway, the next day we opted for a drive-thru scenic tour of Cade's Cove and found a creek right off the road - no hiking involved. Cade's Cove was an 11 mile loop by car or bike (which do you think we chose???), but we only went a few miles because it was getting late and we were hungry.

We ate at an awesome steakhouse Saturday night and saw Jeff Francoeur (see earlier post) before heading back to the cabin for another fire and more relaxing. On Sunday we went to the outlets just north of Gatlinburg before heading on our way. We took a different way home (all I-40), but weren't too fond of it either, as it took us at least 5 hours to get home. What can I say? We're hard to please. All in all it was a very fun trip, and it was great to see the boys and Katie (Trent's sister - Woohoo! Another girl!) again.

Here are some pics.

The view from the back deck of our cabin

Downtown Gatlinburg

Frank eating some cabbage...

Frank regretting having eaten the cabbage...

The creek we didn't hike to (to which we didn't hike???)

Cade's Cove

a windy day and broken chimes

I've had a sad day today. As I feel this baby move more and more, I miss Gabe more and more. Don't get me wrong - I am so grateful to be feeling movement and so excited about our second little boy growing and the growing connection we have to him now that he is moving. Most days I feel more peaceful about things because I have a daily affirmation that he's still okay.

But feeling him reminds me of feeling Gabe. All those little nudges, kicks, and movements bring back memories of feeling the same with him. It's crazy, but sometimes I have to remind myself that it's not him in there. It's as if I grieve for him all over again. We went to our first Wake game of the season last week, and when we sat down, I just started crying. The last time we were there, so was Gabe. Everything was okay. I was just sure that this season, I'd be watching with him in my arms. It's so overwhelming how life can change in mere moments.

It was a windy day here today... but I didn't realize how windy. Matt and I were sitting in the living room when we heard a crash and the sound of glass breaking - Gabe's wind chimes. I couldn't believe it. I ran to the back door and looked out. There were the chimes Kim had given us, "angelic sounds to remind us of our little angel" in a broken heap on the deck. I burst into tears. Sometimes the grief is just as real and strong and unbearable as it was the day we found out he was gone.

As silly as it may sound to grieve over a set of chimes, it's something we have to hear and see and touch that helps connect us to him. I get sad when I see that the bear they gave him at the hospital is getting a hole in its arm and that the right side of his face is going flat where I snuggle (suffocate) him in my sleep. I get sad that the dogwood tree my siblings gave us after he died has now lost its leaves and looks kind of pitiful in my yard. I get sad that his little outfit we put on him the day he was born doesn't smell like him - it smells like the cardboard box we keep it in. And sometimes I get sad out of the blue for no obvious reason. Whoever said that you go through the stages of grief in a particular order and that they get resolved along the way was full of crap. It's a roller coaster, back and forth, up and down... acceptance, denial, anger, denial, denial, anger, acceptance, bargaining... Maybe that's how it will always be. And maybe I'm okay with it. The grief is just something else that connects me to him, helping me hold on to the memories.

God continues to hold us in these times and reminds us over and over again that we are not alone. He continues to shower us with blessings and takes care of us in spite of our moments of doubt. Don't get me wrong. We have faith. But I've always thought Thomas got kind of a bad rap. I definitely understand, "I believe, but help me in my unbelief." I don't guess we'll really get it until we are in His presence. The funny thing is that people always say they have a list of questions they will ask God when they get to Heaven. Believe me, the "why" behind all this suffering with the loss of a baby (and not just on our part, but suffering of so many) would be first on my list. But here's the thing my friend Gina, a breast cancer survivor, told me... when we get there, we won't have to ask. We'll just know and all those questions we had won't matter anymore. It will all finally make sense, and we'll realize that although we've lost so many battles and there has been so much pain, Jesus won the war for us a long time ago. And we won't care about getting him to explain all the messed up stuff and "unfairness" we endured. Because, honestly, in the presence of Jesus, who's really going to give a flying flip? I think I'll have too many other wonderful things to think about and praise Him for. And I'm pretty sure I'll be too busy hanging out with a certain little someone to really care about asking about the time I didn't get with him. I think I'd rather spend my eternity loving on him and on HIM than to waste my time looking back on all the crappy stuff of this world. Then, there will be no more sad days, and the wind chimes will never break.

jeff francoeur

We went to Gatlinburg with some high school friends this past weekend. I will post pictures soon, but tonight I must share with you a story. (Don't get your hopes up... no coupon disaster in this one...)

So we were walking down the streets of Gatlinburg on Saturday night when Matt started saying, "It's Jeff Francoeur! It's Jeff Francoeur!" (Jeff Francoeur is his all-time favorite baseball player. He plays for the Braves, and swings at EVERYTHING. Walking is for SISSIES.) Anyhoo, he was saying this over and over again, but the only person I saw him pointing at was the not-so-famous-or athletic-looking guy sitting dejectedly at the mini-golf counter, looking not-so-fond of his job. I thought Matt was delusional. I asked, “Which one?” “The one in the Titleist hat,” he responded. And then, lo and behold, Jeff turns around, and it’s him… really him. Matt was just kind of slowing up and turning in confused circles at this point, not sure whether to talk to him or try and keep up with our group, who were fairly unimpressed with our discovery. (They were all very hungry and wanted steak more than an awkward encounter with a famous person.) I told Matt to go talk to him, that it was a once-in-a-lifetime sort of thing. Matt went up to him and said something along the lines of, “Hey man, I just wanted to tell you what a big fan I am.” Then Jeff reached out his hand, shook Matt’s, and said, “Thanks man. I really appreciate it.” We think he went for the hand shake in an attempt to prevent a big bear hug with lots of blubbering and invasion of personal space (eh-hem, I mean) because he’s such a great guy. Then Matt started retelling the story to all of us, even though we all witnessed it. He was walking as if he was literally on air. He was way more (eh-hem, I mean) not even close to as pumped as he was on our wedding day.

The next morning we woke up, and we were lying there facing each other in bed. “Patrice,” Matt said. (I just knew something was coming about how good my hair looks in the morning or how great my breath smells first thing… but alas…) “I saw and talked to Jeff Francoeur last night, and HE shook MY hand.” (Can't you just feel the romance, people?) “I know babe,” I said. “Do you have to pee before I get in the shower?” (I mean there was really no mood to kill, was there? Jeff Francoeur probably spits and belches and scratches his… well, you know… just like the others. I thought he might find my courtesy for his urinary needs endearing.) I don’t have any Gatlinburg snapshots of Jeff, but I’m sure Matt could draw you a picture or tell you the WHOLE story in much more detail if you would like. I mean, I really didn’t go into what he was wearing, how he smelled, what he MUST have been doing in Gatlinburg, or his projected mini-golf score. There’s still so much he could tell you!